The wait is over, the 2013 L.A.M.E. Awards is here! Enjoy!
SPORTS
Lamest Sports Story
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New Orleans Saints bounty scandal
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Ozzie Guillen says he respects Fidel Castro
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Justin Combs' UCLA scholarship controversy
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Bradley "beats" Pacquiao
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Chad Johnson head-butt Evelyn Lozada
Breakdown: It was a great year for sports foolery and we have 5 worthy candidates for Lamest Sports Story.
First up, we have the Saints bounty scandal, which got more headlines than Rihanna at 80. (Get it? Headlines, head…lines…old age…big forehead? Okay, it was a bad joke, but to be fair to me, Rihanna probably won't live to half of that now that she's back with Chris Brown. I digress.)
Ozzie Guillen is nominated for saying that he respects Fidel Castro while working for the Miami Marlins, who care so much about their Cuban fan base that they
break up the team every time they get one.
I still can'
t believe Justin Combs earning and accepting a scholarship to UCLA turned into a national controversy instead of being something that was celebrated (I thought we hated when rich kids lived off daddy's money?), so that's nominated.
Speaking of things I can't believe, despite getting beat up for 12 rounds, Timothy Bradley was named the winner of his bout with Manny Pacquiao, so
that's nominated.
And lastly, we couldn't have a Lamest Sports Story list without including Chad Johnson, not only ruining his life, but his
football and
reality TV careers by head-butting his future ex-wife, Evelyn Lozada.
Winner: The New Orleans Saints bounty scandal
Thoughts: This was a tough one, but I had to give it to the Saints because no other sports story had more unnecessary twists and turns and lasted longer than this bounty BS. Of course the outrage was understandable though, it makes no sense for football players to be paid to hurt each other. I mean, their job is to run into each other at full speed and slam one another into the ground, not to hurt one another.
I'm totally joking, this whole thing was a farce from the beginning where players and coaches were fined and suspended, to the middle where players ridiculed and sued Roger Goodell, to the end when our previously incompetent NFL commissioner, Paul Tagliabue, had to come in and rule over the whole thing. You've got to take Lamest Sports Story after all of that.
Lamest New Sports Uniforms
-Miami Heat (Floridians) throwbacks
-Memphis Grizzlies (Tams) throwbacks
-Baylor Men's Basketball
-Pittsburgh Steelers throwbacks
-Tampa Bay Rays throwbacks
Breakdown: There were many extraordinarily ugly sports uniforms trotted out in 2012, but this is the worst of the worst. We begin with the Miami Heat's Miami Floridians throwbacks, which on top of being ugly, brought on this tremendously lame 70's campaign I wish I didn't remember.
Next we've got the Memphis Grizzlies' Memphis Tams mismatch throwbacks. Just looking at them makes me want to wipe my ass with them.
For the NCAA March Madness tournament, Baylor's men's basketball team gave us these blindingly horrendous highlighter yellow uniforms that were practically designed to be nominated for this dishonor.
The Pittsburgh Steelers dug deep into their past and pulled out 52 prisoner corpses and wore their jail attire onto the field not once, but twice in 2012.
And lastly, you've got the Tampa Bay Rays, who've only existed since 1998, taking this shitty throwback fad to the next level by creating some that didn't exist.
Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers throwbacks
Thoughts: Thread for thread, the Steelers' throwbacks (that only the Bumblebee Man from the Simpsons could love) were both the ugliest and the lamest of 2012. I think the NFL should institute a rule that states teams who throwback to the 1930's with their uniforms must wear leather helmets for that game. I think that's a bigger deterrent to not do something in sports than any fine or suspension. (Side note: I might've given the Steelers a pass had they changed their name to the Stealers for the game and truly embraced the criminal nature of their garbs.)
Lamest Athlete
-Amare Stoudemire
-Terrell Owens
-Nicolas Batum
-Chad Johnson
-Jovan Belcher
Breakdown: It pains me to leave out Pete Weber, Stephen Peldger, and "Fausto Carmona," but Lamest Athlete was especially crowded this year.
Amare Stoudemire and his struggle braids single-handedly derailed the New York Knicks in the playoffs when he decided it would be smart to attack a (much like himself) defense-less fire extinguisher.
Like Amare, Terrell Owens had a double whammy because not only did he go on Dr. Phil with his baby mommas, but he got cut from the IFL arena league team he was playing for to pay the bitches.
In the Olympics, Nicolas Batum saw fit to ball up his fist and launch it into the penis of Spain's Juan Carlos Navarro.
Of course Chad Johnson is here for the head-butting incident that lead to his demise.
Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher not only drove to the team's
facility to kill himself in front of his coach and GM, scarring them
for life, but before that he killed his girlfriend and mother of his
3-month old child as well.
Winner: Jovan Belcher
Thoughts: I originally gave this award to Nicolas Batum, because I completely forgot to add Jovan Belcher to mix, and of course when I did, he had to win. What a fucking loser ass bitch ass fuck ass nigga.
Thoughts when Nicolas Batum was the winner: If this was the S.A.D. Awards, I would've given it to Terrell Owens or Chad Johnson, but it's the L.A.M.E. Awards, so it must go to Nicolas Batum's bitch ass. It's been months and still I can't get off the sheer bitchassness (Diddy, shout out!) it took to pull off what he did. I hope none of the hoes in the Olympic Village gave him anymore play after that, though I'm sure Tony Parker didn't need any help raking in the extra chatte (that's pussy in French, according to Google Translate).
ENTERTAINMENT
Lamest New TV Show
-"Work It" (Promo)
-"Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta" (Promo)
-"The Neighbors" (Promo)
-"Animal Practice" (Promo)
-"Mob Doctor" (Promo)
Breakdown: "Work It," a show about men dressing up as women in order to get jobs, lasted just 2 episodes before getting canceled by ABC.
"Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta" lasted a full season and got great ratings, but it also set black folks back at least 200 years, while sadly making names like Stevie J and Lil Scrappy relevant again.
"The Neighbors" is a show about a family that moves into a neighborhood completely inhabited by aliens (so nothing like "3rd Rock from the Sun" or "Mork & Mindy" or "ALF" if you were wondering), and somehow it's still on the air.
"Animal Practice" was a hilarious show about a guy working in a veterinary office. Oh, and get this, his sidekick is a monkey! That's definitely never been done before. "Animal Practice" lasted 9 episodes before being canceled by NBC.
"The Mob Doctor" aired 13 episodes on FOX before getting canned. I can't believe no one was interesting in a show about a doctor who pays off her debts by helping the mob. Oh, oh, wait, yes I can.
Winner: "Work It"
Thoughts: I never saw an episode of "Work It," but everything about the series screamed lameness and struggle. The fact it got canceled after 10 days on air is a testament to that.
Lamest Movie
-"Gang Of Roses 2: Next Generation" (Trailer)
-"The Three Stooges" (Trailer)
-"A Thousand Words" (Trailer)
-"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" (Trailer)
-"Alex Cross" (Trailer)
Breakdown: Here we start things off with "Gang of Roses 2: Next Generation," which was so bad nobody even bothered rating it on Rotten Tomatoes. That's worse than a 0% in my book.
Unfortunately, Hollywood is brain-dead so somebody saw fit to resurrect "The Three Stooges" and turn it into a full-length film, but even Kate Upton's glorious tits couldn't save this turd.
Sitting at a robust 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, "A Thousand Words" bombed worse than Mitt Romney at the NAACP convention. To be fair to Eddie Murphy, the movie was filmed in 2008 and sat on a shelf somewhere until Paramount decided to release it to capitalize off of Eddie hosting the 84th Academy Awards, which he eventually backed out of.
"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter." Need I say anymore?
Bringing up the rear (something I'm sure he's familiar with) is Tyler Perry's "Alex Cross," which currently sits at 12% on Rotten Tomatoes. I guess people were about as ready to see Tyler Perry as an action star as they would be to see Betty White as a pornstar.
Winner: "Gang of Roses 2: Next Generation"
Thoughts: "Gang of Roses 2" had to win because never has something featuring more women I wanted to bone (Claudia Jordan, Teyana Taylor, Amber Rose, etc.) left me with less of an erection. Maybe 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
Lamest Beef
-Drake vs. Chris Brown
-Havoc vs. Prodigy
-Azealia Banks vs. Iggy Azelea, Jim Jones, and Funkmaster Flex
-Chief Keef vs. Kanye West and Lupe Fiasco
-Shyne vs. Kendrick Lamar, The Game, Rick Ross, and Drake
Breakdown: This quite possibly may have been the hardest category to trim down to 5, there were just so many frivolous and lame beefs this year. You had Common vs. Drake, Nicki Minaj vs. Mariah Carey, Bangladesh vs. Swizz Beatz, and Meek Mill vs. Cassidy, but these lame beefs stood out the most.
Drake vs. Chris Brown was lame in the sense that it featured 2 relatively lame individuals and lame in the sense that when they "took it to the streets" neither did any of the fighting or the getting seriously injured.
Havoc vs. Prodigy was very one-sided, but still worthy because it marked the end for a legendary rap duo and because Havoc couldn't decide if he dissed Prodigy or not. Yes, Havoc went the "my Twitter was hacked" route before eventually owning up to his true feelings in a sit down interview with AllHipHop.com.
Azealia Banks vs. Iggy Azalea was lame because Banks admittedly hated because Iggy made the XXL Freshman cover and she didn't. Azealia Banks vs. Jim Jones was lame because they were arguing on Twitter over who came up with the lame term "vamp," and prompted Banks to drops a struggle of a diss record called "Succubi."
Chief Keef took Azealia Banks' lead and oddly went at both Lupe Fiasco and Kanye West while steadfastly refusing to go after a bar of soap.
Shyne called out Drake and Rick Ross for being fake Jews, called Diddy a "creep," Kendrick Lamar for making a classic album he never could've made, and The Game for defending Kendrick in the most hilarious ways possible.
Winner: Drake vs. Chris Brown
Thoughts: It was a close one because Azealia Banks is the Queen of Twitter Beefs (she also Twitter beefed with Funkmaster Flex and Kreayshawn) and average music, but it had to go to Drake vs. Chris Brown because actual people got hurt because of their childish beef over Rihanna's coochie.
Lamest Tweeter
@SpikeLee
@TheRealHavoc
@ChiefKeef
@AzealiaBanks
@Chris Brown
Breakdown: Following the Trayvon Martin tragedy, @SpikeLee tweeted out the address of an innocent old couple he thought were George Zimmerman's parents. Even if they were his parents, I'm not sure what Spike was hoping to get accomplished by doing this.
@TheRealHavoc is nominated for going at his partner Prodigy on Twitter, saying his account was hacked, and then doing it again before finally admitting it was him.
@ChiefKeef not only saw fit to go at Lupe Fiasco and Kanye West on Twitter, but he also laughed at somebody named Lil JoJo after he got murdered and tweeted out that he was now on child support. (Side note: If there was a Bad Parenting Awards, Chief Keef's mom was clean up!)
@AzealiaBanks grabbed the Queen of Twitter Beef (or Tweef) by having mostly one-sided spats with Iggy Azelea, Jim Jones, Funkmaster Flex, T.I., and Kreayshawn.
In 2012, @ChrisBrown participated in several tweefs, including one with @JennyJohnsonHi5 that was so stupid it prompted him to delete his account in shame…again. And of course he returned days later.
Winner: @AzealiaBanks
Thoughts: I really wanted to give this dishonor to @SpikeLee for his reprehensible act, but @AzealiaBanks was consistent with her BS, seeming to focus on tweefing more than her own "rap career."
STYLE
Lamest Trend
-Odd piercings
-Women head gear jewelry thingies
-Talking about Molly
-Weird platform shoes
-Spikes
Breakdown: Sadly, I had to leave out the overuse of the word ratchet and those designer tank tops dudes were rocking everywhere, but I had to do what I had to do.
Anyway, odd piercings have existed for a while now (white people, shout out!), but 2012 saw the fuckery taken mainstream when girls were getting piercings in the back, finger, and cheek in failed attempts to be different.
In another failed attempt to be different, women started where these weird head jewelry thingies that looked more like metal thongs than a smart fashion accessory.
If you listened to any rap music in 2012, you're probably quite familiar with Molly. Rappers from 2 Chainz to Kanye West mentioned the party drug, and still the overuse and played-out-ness didn't stop other rappers from piling on.
I don't know who told women vertical Dutch clogs were hot, but they look stupid as hell.
I don't know what it was about 2012, but spikes were seemingly everywhere. They were on hats, shoes, purses, everything!
Winner: Women head gear jewelry thingies
Thoughts: A lot of stupid trends in women's fashion this year, but none more stupid than these metal thongs. Let's hope hoes all agree to leave that mess in 2012.
Lamest Tattoo
-Chad Johnson's Evelyn face
-Iggy Azalea's A$AP Rocky fingers
-Chris Brown's "Rihanna" face
-Rihanna's underboob bird
-Diamond's Chanel panties
Breakdown: After launching himself head first into divorce, Chad Johnson made the odd decision to get a tattoo of his future ex-wife on his calf.
Iggy Azalea got A$AP Rocky's name tattooed onto her fingers, but claims they're not fucking.
Chris Brown is no stranger to bad decisions, so it was no wonder he thought it'd be wise to get what appears to be a battered woman's face tattooed on his neck. How was he to know it would conjure up thoughts of the woman he beat in 2007?
Speaking of the woman Chris Brown beat, Rihanna got a bird of some sort bird person tatted under her titties. She said it was a tribute to her grandmother, but I feel like my grandma would curse me out if I got a tattoo as a tribute to her. But if there's anything hot woman love, it's to make themselves look less hot (see Lamest Trends), so I guess it makes sense.
Irrelevant rapper Diamond got a pair of Chanel panties tattooed onto her ass (see previous sentence about hot women loving to make themselves look less hot). Oh, and then there's the fact that Chanel doesn't make panties, but anything for attention, right?
Winner: Chad Johnson's Evelyn face
Thoughts: I'm still not sure what Chad was going for with this tattoo, but I can think of any creepier way to try to get your wife back. I'm sure somewhere in his weird mind, the tattoo made perfect sense.
Lamest Artwork for an Album or Mixtape
-Asaad - 006
-Lil B - Basedprint II
-Short Dawg - NCAA 2012 March Madness
-Lupe Fiasco - Food & Liquor II
-Wiz Khalifa - O.N.I.F.C.
Breakdown: First we've got someone named Asaad whose album or mixtape (I really don’t know because, well, who cares about Asaad?) cover features 2Pac hitting Biggie from the back, while shooting a pistol in the air.
We've also got Lil B's terribly Photoshopped The Basedprint II cover nominated.
Speaking of awful Photoshop, Short Dawg's NCAA 2012 March Madness has that strategy down.
Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor II is nothing (literally).
And Wiz Khalifa's O.N.I.F.C. is a sad, sad cry for attention.
Winner: Asaad - 006
Thoughts: He or she clearly did it for the attention, and it worked, but it's still pretty lame.
Lamest Hair (Male)
-Shyne
-Charlie Wilson
-Andrew Bynum
-Slick Rick
-Danny Brown
Breakdown: Forget what I said about Lamest Beef, this was probably the hardest category to trim down to 5. I'm still upset Mertell Webster's (literally and figuratively) dreaded mohawk, Tom Brady's white boy Gumby, and Amare Stoudemire's struggle braids didn't make the cut, but concessions had to be made.
We start things off here with Shyne and his sad dog side locks. I know he's trying to make the Jewish thing happen, but he just looks like a damn fool.
Charlie Wilson makes his L.A.M.E. Awards debut with his Uncle Phil-esque curly hairpiece he debuted at the Grammys.
Andrew Bynum had the internet going nuts with his hair helmet on the sideline at a Philly Sixers game. I can only guess that was his attempt to make some headline off the court, since he's not physically able to make any on it. Then again, I guess he doesn't really need any help making headlines off the court.
Slick Rick thought he could slide by staying out of the public's eye, but I caught his backwards receding hairline in this YouTube video. He should wear a headpatch too, his hair looks like it's on an island. Slick Rick has the inverse of a Sherman Hemsley.
Lastly, Danny Brown's stringy, half-shaven hairdo refused to be as overlooked as his career.
Winner: Charlie Wilson
Thoughts: Yes, this is a huge upset, but at the end of the day, Charlie Wilson is too old to be walking around with that bullshit on top of his head.
Lamest Hair (Female)
-Willow Smith
-Katy Perry
-Charli Baltimore
-Cassie
-Miley Cyrus
Breakdown: We talked about people making fun of Willow Smith recently on the Hot Pod podcast (Tye, shout out!), but I couldn't let her get away with her head looking like a putting green.
Katy Perry's blue blow out was too odd to not get nominated.
I don't even know what to say about this abomination Charli Baltimore sported in an interview with ThisIs50's Jack Thriller.
Cassie's refusal to grow her hair back earns her a 2nd nomination for Lamest Hair, a first in the 3 year history of the L.A.M.E. Awards.
Last, but not least, we've got Miley Cyrus who randomly got her hair chopped up into some blonde foolishness.
Winner: Charli Baltimore
Thoughts: This was a brutal bout between Charli and Miley, but in the end I felt like Charli's hairdo helped her embrace her inner bird and it was fitting. Besides, Miley is clearly a real nigga now, so I couldn't try her with this dishonor.
MUSIC
Lamest New Artist
-Antoine Dodson
-Pebblez Da Model
-Ca$h Out
-Chief Keef
-Amber Rose
Breakdown: Every now and then an internet sensation refuses to walk away quietly when their 15 minutes of fame is up. That is exactly the case for Antoine Dodson, the star Bedroom Intruder, who released his first single Lovesick Lullaby early in 2012.
Pebblez Da Model was mostly known as the chick with the disgustingly huge ass filled with plastic, rubber, Play-Doh, and whatever else these hoes are putting into their asses. Now she's known as the chick with the disgustingly huge ass filled with plastic, rubber, Play-Doh, and whatever else these hoes are putting into their asses that also makes terrible music.
Ca$h Out is to 2012 what YC was to 2011.
Chief Keef makes terrible music, but it's okay because he's dirty.
And of course there's Amber Rose, who almost started a singing career before she was saved by getting pregnant by Wiz Khalifa. (Side note: I don't think Wiz Khalifa's sperm gets enough credit for saving the world from an Amber Rose singing career. Thank you, Wiz Khalifa's sperm! Shout out!)
Winner: Pebblez Da Model
Thoughts: All of the nominees made bad songs, but Pebblez Da Model's song was the worst, thus this Lamest New Artist award. Take a bow, if that's at all physically possible, Pebblez.
Lamest Title for an Album or Mixtape
-"January 10th" by Yo Gotti
-"God's Father" by Lil B
-"French-Elo Anthony" by Frenchie
-"Kisses On The Bottom" by Paul McCartney
-"Dope & Shrimp" by King Louie
Breakdown: Yo Gotti is nominated for dropping a mixtape called January 10th on December 30th, as if we needed new Yo Gotti music so badly we couldn't wait an extra 11 days. Good thing he had nothing to do with the 12.12.12 Sandy relief concert because it might taken played on December 1st. (Side note: No I don't care if his actual album came out on January 10th, it was still a stupid mixtape name.)
Also nominated is my guy Lil B for his God's Father mixtape. We all said The Game was going to hell for his album cover, but good Lord, God's Father?
Frenchie, who I'm being told is not actually French, dropped a mixtape oddly titled French-Elo Anthony.
Sir Paul McCartney is a legendary musician, but couldn't let him slide with naming his album Kisses on the Bottom. I don't know if it's a male or female's bottom, but either way, it's a lame title.
To take things from the top of the music spectrum (McCartney) to the bottom, King Louie dropped a mixtape in 2012 called Dope & Shrimp. Still no word on what either has to do with the other.
Winner: "French-Elo Anthony" by Frenchie
Thoughts: King Louie's Dope & Shrimp made a late push, but French-Elo Anthony was just too corny too be overlooked.
Lamest Music Videos
-Nicki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
-Mama Jones - Psychotic Bitch
-Gillie Da Kid - Chicken Man
-Pebblez Da Model - That's Me
-50 Tyson - Hold You Down
Breakdown: My eyes still hurt from watching the extremely pointless Stupid Hoe video by Nicki Minaj.
Speaking of pointless video, I'm still trying to figure out what is going on in Mama Jones' Psychotic Bitch video, and also why it exists.
Gillie Da Kid's Chicken Man was a late addition, but it deserves it for the coon-like way he was eating that chicken at the beginning.
We've already cover how bad Pebblez Da Model is at making music, but take the time to observe the fuckery that is her video for That's Me.
Yes, I know he's retarded, but 50 Tyson didn't edit the Hold You Down video himself, so that mess is nominated as well.
Winner: Mama Jones - Psychotic Bitch
Thoughts: I still don't know why a Psychotic Bitch song exists, let alone an awful, awful video adaptation.
Lamest Freestyle
-Mama Jones on Cosmic Kev
-Tyler James Williams on Sway In The Morning
-Pooch Hall on the Breakfast Club
-Chief Keef on Sway In The Morning
-Canibus in battle vs. Dizaster
Breakdown: Fresh off her win for Lamest Music Video, Mama Jones checks in with a completely pathetic freestyle on Cosmic Kev's radio show.
Tyler James Williams starred in an embarrassingly bad Disney movie about freestyle battling, which prompted him to think putting this crap on Sway In The Morning was wise.
I don't know who told Pooch Hall he should rap, but that same person should be tortured until Pooch stops.
Judging by his music, I'm almost positive Chief Keef can't hear, his freestyle on Sway In The Morning just reinforced that notion.
Lastly, there's Canibus' performance in his battle with Dizaster, where he pulled out a notepad to read poorly remixed lyrics of his 2nd Round Knockout diss record to LL Cool J.
Winner: Canibus in battle vs. Dizaster
Thoughts: On top of quite possibly being the saddest thing of ever seen in Hip-Hop, Canibus pulling out a notepad was so insurmountably lame, it couldn't even be touched by Pooch Hall. If Canibus' career wasn't already dead enough, this was the notepad that broke the camel's back.
Lamest Hook
-Rick Ross - Ring Ring (feat. Future)
-Soulja Boy - I'm Leanin
-50 Tyson - Hold You Down
-Gillie Da Kid - Chicken Man
-Turk - Get Naked
Breakdown: I don't even have to explain, just click the links and hear for yourself.
Winner: Turk - Get Naked
Thoughts: All of these hooks were deserving of this dishonor, but Get Naked was especially deserving because it was confusing as hell and homoerotic. I know Turk just recently got out of prison, but someone needs to pull him aside and let him know it's not cool to rap about making dudes get naked and putting tools in their faces while saying things like, "No I ain't straight." And no it didn't help at all that he said, "No I ain't gay," at the beginning, it was still quite gay.
Lamest Song
-Soulja Boy - Scarface
-Soulja Boy - Molly
-Soulja Boy & RiFF RaFF - Versace Bentley
-Pebblez Da Model - That's Me
-Mama Jones - Psychotic Bitch
Breakdown: Yes, Soulja Boy is nominated 3 times in this category, but it's not because I hate him, it's because he still can't rap for shit.
We've already covered how bad Pebblez Da Model and Mama Jones' songs were so no need to backtrack.
Winner: Soulja Boy - Scarface
Thoughts: All 5 songs with pathetically horrendous, but Scarface was especially bad because not only did the verses, hook, and beat all suck, but it sounded like he recorded it in a soup can on a string.
Lamest Non-Rapper
-M.I.A.
-Chris Brown
-Dawn Richard
-Mary J. Blige
-Cupid
Breakdown: M.I.A. is nominated for flipping off the cameras during Madonna's Super Bowl halftime performance and nearly subjecting us to 10 more years of old white rock acts.
Do I even need to explain why Chris Brown is here?
Dawn Richard makes a surprise appearance because of her insistence that her last name is pronounced with a hard R. (Fuck out of here with that bullshit, Dawn.)
You didn't think you were gonna make it all the way through the L.A.M.E. Awards without mention of Mary J. Blige's crispy chicken snack wrap Burger King commercial, did you?
Cupid from Cupid Shuffle fame made an appearance on "The Voice," because he felt he had been pigeon-holed by his 2007 hit. How does he remove himself from said pigeon-hole? That's right, by hitting the stage to perform The Cupid Shuffle. Smart.
Winner: Chris Brown
Thoughts: Mary J. Blige and Cupid put on the pressure, but Chris Brown is currently running at a higher level of lame than them both. (Side note: Any word on when the completed version of Mary J. Blige's Burger King commercial is coming out? Remember when it came out they said it wasn't done? Okay, it's been some months now, where’s the finished product?)
Lamest Irrelevant Rapper
-Lord Finesse
-Malice No Malice
-Canibus
-Alley Boy
-Diamond
Breakdown: Lord Finesse is suing Mac Miller for $10 million for rapping over one of his beats on a free mixtape. True fuck nigga shit right there.
Malice of the Clipse announced his new rap name would be the uber creative No Malice. Canibus pulled out a notepad in a freestyle battle.
Alley Boy dissed T.I. and Young Jeezy for attention and still no one cares about him. He wasn't even relevant enough to be on "Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta," a show chuck full of irrelevance.
And bringing up the rear is Diamond of Crime Mob. No, not because she tattooed non-existent Chanel panties on her butt, but because in a recent VladTV internet she referred to herself as a legend. A legend? Diamond wouldn’t be a legend even if her face was placed at the side of a map.
Winner: Lord Finesse
Thoughts: Nothing quite say broke like having to sue an independent artist for more money than they're worth because they used your beat on a free mixtape. Somebody go grab a dictionary, that's gotta be the definition of struggle.
Also, you may look at this as a win for Lord Finesse, but I look at it as yet another loss for Alley Boy.
Lamest Rapper
-Nicki Minaj
-Tyga
-Future
-Jay-Z
-Chief Keef
Breakdown: Nicki Minaj is nominated for backing out of her performance at Summer Jam because Peter Rosenberg called her bullshit song Starship "bullshit." Oh, and her annoying new speaking voice, beef with Mariah Carey, deletion of her Twitter account and putting out a constant stream of terrible music didn't help.
Tyga is nominated for acting like a tough guy on stage in Nebraska, picking the guy he wanted to believe threw something on stage out of the crowd and telling him to meet him outside, and eventually getting his artist Honey Cocaine shot.
Getting a stripper pregnant and lying about his upbringing doesn't help his case…but him making a Rack City porno does. Future is nominated because he refuses to accept that auto-tune is over.
Future, stop trying to make auto-tune happen again, man, it's over. Jay-Z is nominated because he went against his own words ("I don't wear skinny jeans 'cause my knots don't fit") and rocked a pair of skinny jeans. I don’t care how cool you are, no man in their 40's can pull off skinny jeans.
Chief Keef is nominated for tweefing, not showing up to his own video shoot, refusing to bathe, making god-awful music and being an all-round lame individual.
Winner: Nicki Minaj
Thoughts: Again, all the nominees were deserving of this dishonor, but Nicki Minaj ran away with this one faster than she ran away from her credibility as an MC.
Lame Of The Year
-Chris Brown
-Tyga
-Mary J. Blige
-Young Chop
-Canibus
-Lord Finesse
-Nick Minaj
-Beanie Sigel
-Chief Keef
-Shyne
Breakdown: We already know why Chris Brown (did I mention that he has a single gold tooth now?), Tyga, Mary J. Blige, Canibus, Lord Finesse, Nicki Minaj, Chief Keef, and Shyne are here, so allow me to briefly breakdown the candidacy of Young Chop and Beanie Sigel.
Young Chop is the loser who produced the only redeeming quality of Chief Keef's I Don't Like, but he's nominated for calling out Kanye after he added sounds to his beat on the G.O.O.D. Music remix of I Don't Like. Normally when a multi-platinum, Grammy award winning legend helps to improve and promote your track, it's welcomed, but not in the case of Young Chop.
Beanie Sigel is nominated for getting arrested for having guns and drugs just 2 weeks before he was gonna turn himself in to begin a 2-year prison sentence.
Winner: Chris Brown
Thoughts: In all honesty, he probably should've won this dishonor last year, but there was no holding Chrissy back this year. He got his body guards into a fight with Drake’s body guards, he tweefed with Drake, Meek Mill, and random white girls, he deleted his Twitter account, he got a battered woman tattooed on his neck and was surprised when it drew comparisons to Rihanna, he bleached his hair back blonde, he got a gold tooth, and of course he put out awful techno bullshit music. Your 2012 Lame of the Year is none other than Christopher Maurice Brown.
Thank you!
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