NFL Winners & Losers: Week 17

1) Cowboys (8-7) @ Redskins (9-6)
Welcome to the NFC East Championship Game! To make the playoffs, the Redskins need to either win or have losses by the Vikings and Bears. For the Cowboys it's much simpler: win and you're in.

Win and you're in. Sigh. Those have haunted the Cowboys in recent history. All they had to do in 2008 was beat the Eagles and they were in. They loss 44-6 in Philly. All they had to do in 2011 was beat the Giants and they were in. They loss 31-14 in New York. Now all they have to do is beat the Redskins in Washington and they're in.

I know you've heard it all over ESPN and NFL Network this week, but it should be noted that since 2000, the Cowboys are 2-10 in Week 17. That sounds bad until you realize the only 2 Week 17 victories came within the past 3 years (beat the Eagles in 2009 and 2010). Also, in the 2 previous win-and-you're-in scenarios the Cowboys faced, Tony Romo was hurt coming in (bruised back in 2008 and bruised throwing hand in 2009), this time he is healthy. Speaking of health, when the Cowboys and Redskins squared off on Thanksgiving Day, the 'Boys were missing both running back DeMarco Murray and center Ryan Cook, both of whom will play Sunday. I know you feel me leaning that way, so let me go ahead and confirm that I think the Cowboys go into the nation's capital and leave with a W. Cowboys winners, Redskins losers.

2) Packers (11-4) @ Vikings (9-6)
The Packers can clinch a first-round bye with a win or losses by the 49ers and Seahawks. The Vikings can clinch a playoff spots with a win or losses by the Bears, Cowboys, and Giants. Adrian Peterson can clinch the new single-season rushing record with 208 yards and/or a 2,000-yard season with 102 yards.

I think this will be a tight game, but in the end Christian Ponder won't be able to carry his team to victory and Adrian Peterson will fall short of Eric Dickerson. Packers winners, Vikings losers.

3) Texans (12-3) @ Colts (10-5)
Houston needs to win to clinch home-field advantage, and Indianapolis can't go up or down, but all I have to say about this game is ChuckStrong. Colts winners, Texans losers.

4) Bears (9-6) @ Lions (4-11)
Chicago needs a win and a Minnesota loss to make the playoffs, but for some reason they're trash talking the soup can that has nothing to play for. Sadly, I can't get too excited about a team that's loss 7 straight. Bears winners, Lions losers.

5) Eagles (4-11) @ Giants (8-7)
To make it back to the playoffs the Giants need a win and losses by the Cowboys, Vikings, and Bears. That's a pretty long shot, so I say the Giants no-show one last time and Mike Vick gets one last victory as an Eagle. Eagles winners, Giants losers.

6) Rams (7-7-1) @ Seahawks (10-5)
The Seahawks have an outside shot at winning the #2 seed with a win and losses by the Packers and 49ers, plus have a relatively young roster, so I'm sure they will won't be resting starters Sunday. Also, an undefeated season at home is on the line. Seahawks winners, Rams losers.

7) Dolphins (7-8) @ Patriots (11-4)
New England needs a win and a loss by either Denver or Houston to get a first-round bye. If both Denver and Houston lose, the New England would become the #1 seed and have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs because they beat both teams this season. Unfortunately, Denver plays Kansas City, so they won't be happening. Either way, the Pats need this game and I think they're going to get it, even though the Dolphins won't go down without a fight. Patriots winners, Dolphins losers.

8) Cardinals (5-10) @ 49ers (10-4-1)
The 49ers can grab a first-round bye with a win and a Packers loss, so they're definitely showing up to play after taking a vacation last week. 49ers winners, Cardinals losers.

9) Chiefs (2-13) @ Broncos (12-3)
All Denver needs is a win and they lock up the #2 seed in the AFC and a first round bye, and I don't see the lowly team in Kansas City stopping them from doing so. Broncos winners, Chiefs losers.

10) Ravens (10-5) @ Bengals (9-6)
Baltimore could move up to the #3 seed with a win and a New England loss, Cincinnati is locked into the #6 seed. Starters are supposed to play for both team, but I'm not sure how much, so I'm picking this game pretty much at random. Bengals winners, Ravens losers.

11) Panthers (6-9) @ Saints (7-8)
Even though this game means absolutely nothing for anyone (except maybe Ron Rivera), but I think this will still be one of the most exciting games of the week. I like New Orleans to win another shoot out. Saints winners, Panthers losers.

12) Browns (5-10) @ Steelers (7-8)
1) The Steelers aren't going to lose to the Browns twice in one season. 2) Thad Lewis is starting for the Browns. 3) Thad Lewis isn't beating the Steelers...or anyone else for that matter. Steelers winners, Browns losers.

13) Buccaneers (6-9) @ Falcons (13-2)
Atlanta has the top seed in the NFC locked up, thus nothing to play for Sunday, but Tampa has been playing like they've had nothing to play for since they last played Atlanta on November 25th. Falcons winners, Buccaneers losers.

14) Jets (6-9) @ Bills (5-10)
Apparently Greg McElroy suffered a concession last week and now Mark Sanchez is the starter again. Hooray!

Some are saying Sanchez is auditioning for a job, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was the Jets starting QB at the beginning of next season because they owe him too much damn money. Tough break niggas.

Anyway, the Bills haven't beat the Jets since the first time they faced Rex Ryan in 2009, so as much as I don't want to I have to take the Jets. Jets winners, Bills losers.

15) Raiders (4-11) @ Chargers (6-9)
Carson Palmer is out and I don't know who they're gonna start (but to be fair to myself, nearly do the Raiders), so I'll take the Chargers to win Norv Turner's farewell game. Chargers winners, Raiders losers.

16) Jaguars (2-13) @ Titans (5-10)
I don't even know, and like most people (including those in Jacksonville and Tennessee) I don't care. Titans winners, Jaguars losers.

This Week: 0-0 (.000)
Last Week: 10-6 (.625)
Season: 153-86-1 (.640)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 16

1) 49ers (10-3-1) @ Seahawks (9-5)
It doesn't look like Justin Smith is gonna be able to play in this game, and that definitely hurts San Francisco, but I like them to handle business in Seattle. I'm still not a believer in their team, I'm sorry. 49ers winners, Seahawks losers.

2) Giants (8-6) @ Ravens (9-5)
I know the Giants got blanked last week in Atlanta, but the Ravens are just too injured and too fraudulent to win again this season. Giants winners, Ravens losers.

3) Bengals (8-6) @ Steelers (7-7)
Am I the only one who thinks everyone is panicking over the Steelers a tad bit early? Are they really gonna lose these last 2 home games and miss the playoffs? I don't know, I just don't see it happening. Steelers winners, Bengals losers.

4) Vikings (8-6) @ Texans (12-2)
If Christian Ponder can't throw for 200 yards against Houston he should be benched for Joe Webb. Hell, he should be benched for Joe Webb any-damn-way, that nigga is terrible. With what Adrian Peterson has done this year, it makes no sense for Minnesota to be struggling for a playoff spot. Texans winners, Vikings losers.

5) Saints (6-8) @ Cowboys (8-6)
I said last week that Dallas will make sure this season ends in the most excruciating way possible for me and the only way for that to be true would be for them to win this game. Besides that, I've read more than once today that New Orleans would purposely try to lose this game to help the Cowboys make the playoffs because if they don't Jason Garrett might get canned and Jerry Jones might try to steal Sean Payton. While I know all the folks I read bring it up were joking, it actually wouldn't be a bad strategy, to be honest. Cowboys winners, Saints losers.

6) Redskins (8-6) @ Eagles (4-10)
RG3 is going to start this game, but it really wouldn't matter if Mike Shanahan started at QB, Washington has this shit sown up. It'd be nice if Philly played like they were getting paid in what will likely be Andy Reid's last home game as head coach, but I wouldn't count on it. Redskins winners, Eagles winners.

7) Browns (5-9) @ Broncos (11-3)
The Browns have played tough for most of the season, but if they couldn't beat Kirk Cousins, they aren't beating Peyton Manning. Broncos winners, Browns losers.

8) Falcons (12-2) @ Lions (4-10)
Calvin Johnson broke Jerry Rice's record, so at least Detroit had something to root for. Falcons winners, Lions losers.

9) Titans (5-9) @ Packers (10-4)
Surprisingly, Green Bay hasn't blown too many team out this season, so I don't see that on the horizon (though Tennessee is very "blow-out-able"). I just see a nice, fairly comfortable win. Packers winners, Titans losers.

10) Bears (8-6) @ Cardinals (5-9)
I thought the Cardinals were done winning games in the 2012 season, but they proved me wrong last week. Oh well, let's not get carried away and think they're gonna win 2 straight. Bears winners, Cardinals losers.

11) Rams (6-7-1) @ Buccaneers (6-8)
What happened to Tampa? They started cold, got really hot in the middle of the season, and now they're cold again. They're hot streak lasted about as long as Hurrican Chris. Rams winners, Buccaneers losers.

12 Bills (5-9) @ Dolphins (6-8)
The Bills just allowed the Seahawks to hang 50 on them, I feel pretty comfortable saying the Phins will win this one. Dolphins winners, Bills losers.

13) Patriots (10-4) @ Jaguars (2-12)
Uhhh, yeah. Patriots winners, Jaguars losers.

14) Colts (9-5) @ Chiefs (2-12)
Not that they needed it to take down the Chiefs, but Chuck Pagano has been medically cleared to return to the team. A date has yet to be announced, but hopefully he makes his return in the playoffs, so people can make some more of that ChuckStrong paper. Colts winners, Chiefs losers.

15) Raiders (4-10) @ Panthers (5-9)
Terrelle Pryor is supposed to get some snaps in this game, so good thing the Oakland didn't trade first and second round draft picks for another quarterback last year. Panthers winners, Raiders losers.

16) Chargers (5-9) @ Jets (6-8)
The Jets are afraid that if they start Tim Tebow for the benched Mark Sanchez, he'll win and they'll be stuck with him next year, so they're starting Greg McIlroy instead. Again I ask, why did the Jets trade for Tim Tebow? Good thing they're only playing the Chargers. Jets winners, Chargers losers.

This Week: 10-6 (.625)
Last Week: 12-4 (.750)
Season: 153-86-1 (.640)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 15

1) 49ers (9-3-1) @ Patriots (10-3)
The Patriots average the most points per game in the NFL (36.3) and the 49ers allow the least (14.2), so something has got to give Sunday night. Initially, I was going to pick San Fran, then I found out New England hasn't loss a home game in December since Week 17 of the 2005 season (Tom Brady only threw 8 passes in that game as Bill Belichick decided to rest his starters for the playoffs), and the last time they loss one before that was in Week 16 of the 2002 season.

Oh, and have you realized the Pats haven't loss a game since Richard Sherman got in Tom Brady's face after the game in Seattle? "Thanks, dick. Sincerely, rest of the NFL." Patriots winners, 49ers losers.

(Side note: Poor Donte' Stallworth, it took him 13 weeks to find work and now he's on the IR after one game. Somehow I feel like bad karma and Josh Brent's DUI manslaughter just days before Stallworth's return led to this.)

2) Colts (9-4) @ Texans (11-2)
Man, did I call that Texans game on Monday or what? They'll make up for it this week though. Well, unless the Colts have some ChuckStrong thing planned that I'm not aware of. Texans winners, Colts losers.

3) Giants (8-5) @ Falcons (11-2)
Hopefully New York won't make Atlanta hold its pocket and follow it around again, that's always embarrassing. Giants winners, Falcons losers.

4) Broncos (10-3) @ Ravens (9-4)
I know Jim Caldwell will be calling the offensive plays for the Ravens and you know Jim Caldwell will be calling the offensive plays for the Ravens, but does Jim Caldwell? I wanted to pick Baltimore, but how can I put my trust in a dead guy's game plan? Broncos winners, Ravens losers.

5) Packers (9-4) @ Bears (8-5)
If Russell Wilson could come into Chicago and get a win, I don't see why Aaron Rodgers can't. Make sense, right? Right. Packers winners, Bears losers.

6) Steelers (7-6) @ Cowboys (7-6)
As I was celebrating a rare victory in a game Dallas had to win, it slowly began to sink in that it would make far more sense if they also won their next 2 games, set up a win-and-you're-in playoff scenario for Week 17, only to crap the bed and watch RGIII and company celebrate a playoff berth in Washington. A yet fitting ending to a Cowboys season these days. Cowboys winners, Steelers losers.

7) Redskins (7-6) @ Browns (5-8)
RGIII allegedly won't be starting this game, despite practicing all week, but doesn't this feel like a trap? Cleveland is playing pretty well and this will be Kirk Cousins first career start, the smell of trap is getting stronger. You can't fool me though, Washington. Redskins winners, Browns losers.

8) Vikings (7-6) @ Rams (6-6-1)
The Rams have a good run defense and the Vikings' only strength is running, so in theory the Rams should win, right? Wrong! This is Adrian Peterson we're talking about here. Vikings winners, Rams losers.

9) Buccaneers (6-7) @ Saints (5-8)
New Orleans' playoff hopes crashed and burned last week in New York, and Tampa Bay's is heading the same way after blowing a game to Philly. The reason I said all of this? Beats me. Saints winners, Buccaneers losers.

10) Seahawks (8-5) @ Bills (5-8)
No Fred Jackson, no Eric Wood, are we sure this isn't 2011? Seahawks winners, Bills losers.

11) Panthers (4-9) @ Chargers (5-8)
Wait, the Chargers won another game this season? So teams don't just have to be pathetic because they've lost a few games straight? Someone should inform the Cardinals. But yeah, I'm going for 2 in a row for Norv because while it seems like Ron Rivera should have the advantage facing his old defensive unit, but he doesn't because he's Ron Rivera. Chargers winners, Panthers losers.

12) Bengals (7-6) @ Eagles (4-9)
Wait, the Eagles won too? Madness! Well unfortunately for them, I don't see back-to-back wins in their future like I do for the Chargers; the Bengals are still very much in the playoff hunt and they usually beat down shitty teams. Bengals winners, Eagles losers.

13) Jets (6-7) @ Titans (4-9)
Steelers-Cowboys, Niners-Pats, Packers-Bears, Colts-Texans, Giants-Falcons, all these awesome match-ups and ESPN picked this one? Yikes! Of course they had no way of knowing how the season would shake out, but I would've picked any of those other match-ups over this one even before last season began. Oh well, I guess MNF had to come back to Earth after nailing Giants-Redskins and Texans-Pats the past 2 weeks, even though the latter was a blowout.

In other news, the Jets signed Braylon Edwards this week after unsuccessfully trying to trade for him earlier this season when he was still with the Seahawks. Good thing he wasn't just on their team a couple years ago and they willingly decided to not re-sign him. Hey, wait a minute... Titans winners, Jets losers.

14) Jaguars (2-11) @ Dolphins (5-8)
Welcome to the Chad Henne Bowl! I know Chad will want to get back at the team that let him go, but I don't think he will. Dolphins winners, Jaguars losers.

15) Lions (4-9) @ Cardinals (4-9)
Has any other team in NFL history ever start 4-0 and ended 0-12? If not, Arizona is about to make some history. Cardinals winners, Lions losers.

16) Chiefs (2-11) @ Raiders (3-10)
Both of these teams are so bad I don't even know who to pick, so I'm just gonna take Oakland since they're at home. Raiders winners, Chiefs losers.

This Week: 12-4 (.750)
Last Week: 9-7 (.563)
Season: 143-80-1 (.641)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 14

1) Texans (11-1) @ Patriots (9-3)
Houston's defensive line slaps more balls than a gay pornstar, but when I think about their secondary, I can't help but think about the time Aaron Rodgers threw for 6 touchdowns on them, or the time Matt Stafford threw for a season high 441 yards on them, or the time Chad Henne threw for a career high 4 touchdowns on them. I know New England is down both Rob Gronkowski and Julian Edelman, but I think Tom Brady is gonna go off Monday night. Patriots winners, Texans losers.

2) Ravens (9-3) @ Redskins (6-6)
After last Sunday's loss to the Steelers who deserved to be ridiculed more, Joe Flacco for getting outplayed by Charlie Batch, or the Ravens' defense for allowing Charlie Batch to outplay Joe Flacco?

While you try to figure out that one, I'd just like to concede the NFC East to the Redskins now. This is the hardest game they have left on the schedule, and it's not even all that hard of a game. Redskins winners, Ravens losers.

3) Saints (5-7) @ Giants (7-5)
The Saints have beaten the Giants 3 straight times, with an average margin of victory of 23 points. With that being said, I don't see the champs losing for a 4th time in 5 games. Giants winners, Saints losers.

4) Bears (8-4) @ Vikings (6-6)
Vikings fans can get as "super-duper drunk" as they want, but they aren't winning this game unless Christian Ponder kills his fiance the day before the game and the sneaky good Joe Webb gets the start. Bears winners, Vikings losers.

5) Cowboys (6-6) @ Bengals (7-5)
As soon as the Redskins beat the Giants and the Cowboys all of a sudden became just one game out of first place in the NFC East, I knew they'd lose this game. Every time the Cowboys get close, they lose and Sunday won't be any different. Bengals winners, Cowboys losers.

6) Lions (4-8) @ Packers (8-4)
Green Bay quietly has a lot of injuries to key players, but good thing for them Detroit sucks loudly. Packers winners, Lions losers.

7) Falcons (11-1) @ Panthers (3-8)
I don't care if they're at home, if Carolina couldn't beat the garbage ass Chiefs, they're not about to beat Atlanta. Falcons winners, Panthers losers.

8) Rams (5-6-1) @ Bills (5-7)
The last time the Rams went to overtime against the 49ers they came out flat and loss the next week to an AFC East team (Jets), so I'm gonna be lazy and say that happens again. Bills winners, Rams losers.

9) Titans (4-8) @ Colts (8-4)
Divisional games are generally pretty tight, but I don't expect this one to be. Colts winners, Titans losers.

10) Dolphins (5-7) @ 49ers (8-3-1)
I don't have anything to say about this game, so good thing this clip of Jim Harbaugh on a 1996 episode of that version of Saved By The Bell that nobody watched surfaced this week. Look at him, he looks like Brett Favre circa "There's Something About Mary." 49ers winners, Dolphins losers.

11) Cardinals (4-8) @ Seahawks (7-5)
Here's the 9th straight loss for Arizona. Seahawks winners, Cardinals losers.

12) Chargers (4-8) @ Steelers (7-5)
Ben Roethlisberger is back and...well, that's pretty much it. Steelers winners, Chargers losers.

13) Broncos (9-3) @ Raiders (3-9)
The Raiders are terrible and the Broncos handle business against terrible teams (aka 60% of the teams on their schedule). Broncos winners, Raiders losers.

14) Jets (5-7) @ Jaguars (2-10)
Let me get this straight, Mark Sanchez plays terribly for 11 games, but wasn't benched until the 12th game, which Tim Tebow just happened to miss due to injury, despite being medically cleared to return. For the 52nd time I ask: Why did they trade for Tebow again?? Was Rex Ryan hired by satan to derail his career? I seriously don't get it. Jaguars winners, Jets losers.

15) Eagles (3-9) @ Buccaneers (6-6)
That Bryce Brown is pretty damn good but... Philly still isn't gonna win. Eagles losers, Buccaneers losers.

16) Chiefs (2-10) @ Browns (4-8)
I'm trying to restrain myself from making distasteful jokes about Jovan Belcher, so I'll just say I like Cleveland at home. Browns winners, Chiefs losers.

This Week: 9-7 (.563)
Last Week: 9-7 (.563)
Season: 131-76-1 (.635)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 13

1) Giants (7-4) @ Redskins (5-6)
Fuck! RGIII is so good it pisses me off! Why couldn't St. Louis just take him with the 2nd pick and trade Sam Bradford away? FUCK!

As far as this game goes, initially I was going to go with RGIII, but it would make too much sense for the kid to come up short after undressing the Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Besides, what are the chances the Giants destroyed the Packers only to lose to the Redskins the very next week? Giants winners, Redskins losers.

2) Steelers (6-5) @ Ravens (9-2)
Ben Roethlisberger has once again been ruled out for the Steelers, so they will again turn to Charlie Batch. (Remember when people were all pissy when Mike Tomlin wouldn't put Batch in even after Doug E. Fresh's illegitimate son, Byron Leftwich, broke his ribs? Don't hear too much from that crowd anymore, do we?) Not only are the Ravens undefeated in games against the Steelers that Big Ben doesn't play in, but they've also won their last 15 games in Baltimore. Ravens winners, Steelers losers.

3) Saints (5-6) @ Falcons (10-1)
No, I didn't know Drew Brees was gonna throw 5 interceptions, but I did know the Falcons weren't gonna get swept in the season series by this version of the Saints. Falcons winners, Saints losers.

4) Buccaneers (6-5) @ Broncos (8-3)
As much as I'd like to see Tampa lose this game so Dallas could have an outside shot at the last wild card spot, I just have a feeling Denver is in for a stinker. Yes, Peyton Manning is back, Champ Bailey owns Vincent Jackson, and Tampa has a secondary ripe for the picking, but I just have a feeling about this one. Buccaneers winners, Broncos losers.

5) Seahawks (6-5) @ Bears (8-3)
The Seahawks on the road? I don't care if Peanut Tillman's foot in cut off, I'm still taking the home team. Bears winners, Seahawks losers.

6) Vikings (6-5) @ Packers (7-4)
Obviously Green Bay stunk up the joint last Sunday night in New York, but I like them to bounce back against an old rival. Packers winners, Vikings losers.

7) 49ers (8-2-1) @ Rams (4-6-1)
Jim Harbaugh is a really good coach, but his handling of his quarterback situation has been awful. Alex Smith has every right to complain because at the end of the day, all he did to lose his job was get a concussion. Nothing again Colin Kaepernick, but it's true.

Meanwhile, the last time these 2 teams played we had a tie. This time I say things are a little more decisive now that Kaepernick is properly prepared to face the Rams this time. 49ers winners, Rams losers.

8) Patriots (8-3) @ Dolphins (5-6)
The only hope the Dolphins have here is if the sprinklers go off during the game again and Tom Brady sprains his ankle trying to run off the field to make sure his Uggs don't get wet. Patriots winners, Dolphins losers.

9) Colts (7-4) @ Lions (4-7)
Anybody shaving their head before this game in honor of Chuck Pagano? I should wait until I find out to pick this game, but if they got 2 cheerleaders to do it last week, I'm sure Indy can round up somebody to take the L for good karma. Well, until they do, I've got the home team. Lions winners, Colts losers.

10) Texans (10-1) @ Titans (4-7)
The Texans are coming off of 10 days of rest, but before that, they played 10 quarters of football in the span of 4 days. Plus, this is a divisional game, so while I'm not predicting an upset, I do see this game being a lot closer than it probably should be in the end. Texans winners, Titans losers.

11) Bengals (6-5) @ Chargers (4-7)
Cincinnati isn't a great team, but they usually beat the bad team in from of them, and San Diego is a bad team. Bengals winners, Chargers losers.

12) Jaguars (2-9) @ Bills (4-7)
I really don't have an angle here, I just think Buffalo is going to win. Bills winners, Jaguars winners.

13) Eagles (3-8) @ Cowboys (5-6)
No Vick, no McCoy, no fight left; if the Cowboys don't win this game it's officially time to tank the rest of the season. Cowboys winners, Eagles losers.

14) Cardinals (4-7) @ Jets (4-7)
Yes, the Jets are a disgrace to the NFL, but aren't the Cardinals — losers of 7 straight — disgraces too? I say yes, and I also say Mark Sanchez runs into no one's butt and fumbles this week. Jets winners, Cardinals losers.

15) Panthers (3-8) @ Chiefs (1-10)
Kansas City put up a little fight at Arrowhead last weekend, but I'm sure that was mostly because they were playing a division rival. They won't show up this Sunday. Panthers winners, Chiefs losers.

16) Browns (3-8) @ Raiders (3-8)
The Browns haven't won a road game since Week 2...of last year! And even that was against the then-lowly Colts. They do have one thing going for themselves though, and it's that they're playing the Raiders. Browns winners, Raiders losers.

This Week: 9-7 (.563)
Last Week: 11-5 (.686)
Season: 122-69-1 (.638)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 12

1) Packers (7-3) @ Giants (6-4)
Even though I'm sure the Giants have properly psyched themselves into believing that nobody believes in them, I still think the Packers leave town with a win. They won't have Clay Matthews around to help the cause, but as long as Aaron Rodgers goes out and doesn Aaron Rodgers things, Green Bay should be fine. Packers winners, Giants losers.

2) 49ers (7-2-1) @ Saints (5-5)
Jim Harbaugh still hasn't announced who his starter is gonna be in New Orleans, so I think we're still supposed to act like he didn't pick Colin Kaepernick days ago. When the switch becomes official, I do believe this will be the first time in NFL history that a QB with a 70% completion percentage, 100+ passer rating, and only 5 interceptions has been benched. 49ers winners, Saints losers.

(Side note: Doesn't Colin Kaepernick look like He Pingping, the decease former shortest man in the world?)

3) Falcons (9-1) @ Buccaneers (6-4)
Tampa Bay is 5-1 since their bye week and Atlanta continues to look shaky every week, which means Atlanta is definitely winning this game. It only makes no sense. Falcons winners, Buccaneers losers.

4) Vikings (6-4) @ Bears (7-3)
Jay Cutler has been cleared to play, but I was gonna pick Chicago to win anyway because the Vikings are not the 49ers. Then again, as bad as their offensive line was Monday, 0% of the population would be surprised if Jared Allen and crew re-concussed Cutler. Bears winners, Vikings losers.

5) Bills (4-6) @ Colts (6-4)
Good win by the Bills last week, but I like the Colts to bounce back at home after getting spanked by the Pats last week. Colts winners, Bills losers.

6) Ravens (8-2) @ Chargers (4-6)
Baltimore will make up for all the touchdowns they didn't score last week in Pittsburgh this week in San Diego. Ravens winners, Chargers losers.

7) Steelers (6-4) @ Browns (2-8)
Pittsburgh is on its 3rd starting quarterback in 3 weeks, is that ever a good thing? Meanwhile, Cleveland has played tough all season and if they cut down on the stupid mistake, I don't see why they couldn't win this. Browns winners, Steelers losers.

8) Seahawks (6-4) @ Dolphins (4-6)
Seattle's sole road win came against the 2-win Carolina Panthers, but Miami has looked so pathetic the last couple weeks that I just can't take them until they show me something. Seahawks winners, Dolphins losers.

9) Rams (3-6-1) @ Cardinals (4-6)
Man, what happened to the Rams last week? I really don't want to pick the Cardinals, but how can I pick a team that got killed by the Jets last Sunday? Cardinals winners, Rams losers.

10) Raiders (3-7) @ Bengals (5-5)
Last season Carson Palmer was so adamant about not playing for the Bengals that he decided to retire. This Sunday he returns to Cincinnati for the first time as an Oakland Raider. This one could get ugly. Wait, what am I saying? The Raiders are playing in this game, this one will get ugly. Bengals winners, Raiders losers.

11) Broncos (7-3) @ Chiefs (1-9)
Not that Denver needs to do it, but their mascot is a bronco and Eric Berry is scared of horses. Hmmm, they might wanna keep that one in their back pocket just in case the Chiefs ever get a competent coaching staff. Broncos winners, Chiefs losers.

12) Titans (4-6) @ Jaguars (1-9)
This a divisional game, so it should be close, but I think the Jags are pretty much done winning for this season. Titans winners, Jaguars losers.

13) Panthers (2-8) @ Eagles (3-7)
Am I really gonna pick the Panthers again? I guess I have to, but I really, really don't want to. Gosh, I hate this game so much. Panthers winners, Eagles losers.


Thanksgiving Games
Texans (9-1) @ Lions (4-6)
I really don't know what to make of the Lions, one week they seem to play good, the next they don't. One thing I do know is that the Texans severely underestimated the Jaguars Sunday and that won't happen again. Texans winners, Lions losers.

Redskins (4-6) @ Cowboys (5-5)
Judging solely by the games of this past Sunday, you'd have to say Washington has the edge coming into Thanksgiving, right? The Redskins destroyed the 3-win Eagles while the Cowboys struggled with the 2-win Browns. That's a huge reason I initially was gonna go with the visitors, but then I remembered Tony Romo is 5-0 in Thanksgiving Day games and 13-0 at home in November. Plus, rookie QBs are 1-3 in Thursday games this year, with the only win coming by Andrew Luck against the 1-win Jaguars. The Cowboys' offensive line worries the shit out of me (down to the 3rd string center; best lineman Tyron Smith is questionable for this game), and I think it's gonna be a close game, but... Cowboys winners, Redskins losers.

Patriots (7-3) @ Jets (4-6)
I've been hearing a lot people say it's not Bill Belichick's fault Rob Gronkowski got hurt blocking for New England's 59th point last Sunday, but I'd beg to differ. Yes, your field goal unit is your field goal unit, but why were they still scoring garbage touchdown when the game was clearly over? A 21 point lead wasn't big enough, they had to push it to 28? A 28 point lead wasn't big enough, they had to push it to 35? It would be one thing if the defense scored the touchdowns, but the offense did. I'm sorry, Gronkowski's broken forearm is as much Belichick's fault as it is whoever's body Gronk broke it on.

As far as the Pats-Jets game goes, I know the Jets got a win last week, but they're still pathetic. I wanna take the upset because I hate the Pats, but I just don't see it happening. Patriots winners, Jets losers.

This Week: 11-5 (.686)
Last Week: 11-3 (.786)
Season: 113-62-1 (.645)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 11

This week's Hot Pod podcast!

1) Ravens (7-2) @ Steelers (6-3)
Pittsburgh is 4-0 at home this season, but sadly for them, they're 0-4 in games against Baltimore without Ben Roethlisberger. Ravens winners, Steelers losers.

(Side note: Who wants to bet Big Ben is back from this "multiple week injury" just in time to play Dallas in Week 15?)

(Side side note: Why does Byron Leftwich look so much like Doug E. Fresh?

2) Colts (6-3) @ Patriots (6-3)
The Colts visiting the Patriots with no Peyton Manning seems weird, doesn't it?

Now I do like Andrew Luck and the new Colts, and they have won their last 2 road games (though they only beat the Titans and Jaguars), but I just can't see them winning this particular game. It would be different if they did the Chuck Pagano head shave thing this week, but they already played that card, so unless they have a new Chuck Strong ploy, I gotta go with New England. Patriots winners, Colts losers.

3) Bears (7-2) @ 49ers (6-2-1)
This was supposed to be a battle of back-up QBs, but apparently Alex Smith has passed his concussion tests and is on track to start Monday night. It's not that I think Smith is that much better than Jason Campbell, but I'm still taking them to do more than just tie this week. 49ers winners, Bears losers.

4) Packers (6-3) @ Lions (4-5)
So much for the Lions being a team trending up, they went out and got spanked by a Vikings team who had loss 3 of their last 4 game by 10+ coming in. The Pack should make quick work of the Lions coming off a bye, even though they won't have the benefit of Clay Matthews. Packers winners, Lions losers.

5) Chargers (4-5) @ Broncos (6-3)
I know it's weird to think about it because the Broncos ultimately won the game, but the Chargers were up 24-0 in their Week 6 matchup. Can San Diego get up big again and finish Denver off this time? Yes. Will they? No. Broncos winners, Chargers losers.

6) Dolphins (4-5) @ Bills (3-6)
Man, the Dolphins looked as horrible last week Sunday as we all figured they'd look before the season. I don't know if 4 days is enough to shake off that stink, plus Buffalo really should've won that game against New England. Bills winners, Dolphins losers.

7) Eagles (3-6) @ Redskins (3-6)
Nick Foles (aka Sunshine from "Remember The Titans") will get his first career start, and also, I say his first career victory. I love RGIII, but the 'Skins are 1-8 in their last 9 home games and 0-8 against rookie QBs since 1970. Eagles winners, Redskins losers.

8) Cardinals (4-5) @ Falcons (8-1)
Not that Atlanta is some juggernaut or anything like that, but they just aren't losing 2 games in a row, especially win the second one is against the garbage ass Cardinals. If they grab a lead of at least 7 points, it's a wrap. Falcons winners, Cardinals losers.

9) Buccaneers (5-4) @ Panthers (2-7)
I stupidly picked Carolina to upset Denver last week, so they're no way I'd do it again, right? Right?! Wrong :-(. Panthers winners, Buccaneers winners.

10) Jets (3-6) @ Rams (3-5-1)
How fucked up was it that a bunch of Jets players anonymously shitted on Tim Tebow this week? I'm sure a much needed team win won't be the outcome. Rams winners, Jets losers.

11) Browns (2-7) @ Cowboys (4-5)
All I've heard about this week is how weak Dallas' remaining schedule is. Do you know what that means? Yep, they're gonna fuck it up as usual. Look for this game to a lot closer than it ever should be, though I do think the 'Boys will pull it out. Cowboys winners, Browns losers.

12) Saints (4-5) @ Raiders (3-6)
Oakland has allowed 97 points in the past 2 weeks alone, which means New Orleans cracking 70 isn't out of the question. Boy, what a great week to be facing Drew Brees in fantasy. Saints winners, Raiders losers.

13) Bengals (4-5) @ Chiefs (1-8)
The Chiefs actually showed some fight in them Monday night. Now I don't know if that was because they turned over a new leaf or just to spite their former coach (and current Steelers offensive coordinator) Todd Haley. I'm going with the latter and saying they don't have a repeat performance Sunday, much like they didn't the week after their first win. Bengals winners, Chiefs losers.

14) Texans (8-1) @ Jaguars (1-8)
Welp, this won't be close. Texans winners, Jaguars losers.

This Week: 11-3 (.786)
Last Week: 8-5-1 (.607)
Season: 102-57-1 (.641)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 10

The latest Hot Pod podcast is below, but the quality got fucked up some up when it was uploaded, so if you want to hear it more clearly, you can download it from this link. Enjoy.

1) Texans (7-1) @ Bears (7-1)
This game should be a great game between 2 pretty evenly watched teams, and I like Houston to redeem themselves on national TV after that debacle against Green Bay in Week 6. Texans winners, Bears losers.

2) Falcons (8-0) @ Saints (3-5)
I'm always weary of game where everyone picks the underdog to win and I've heard too many people picking the Saints. Falcons winners, Saints losers.

3) Broncos (5-3) @ Panthers (2-6)
Don't ask me why, but this is my upset special for the week. I don't know. Panthers winners, Broncos losers.

4) Jets (3-5) @ Seahawks (5-4)
Antonio Cromartie said the Jets are gonna make the playoffs this year. I'm assuming he thinks they're going to bounce back from 3-6 and run the table because they are not beating Seattle in Seattle. Seahawks winners, Jets losers.

5) Bills (3-5) @ Patriots (5-3)
I really don't know what to say about this game besides that I definitely have New England winning it. Patriots winners, Bills losers.

6) Giants (6-3) @ Bengals (3-5)
Wasn't Cincinnati just over .500? Now they have the same shitty record as my Cowboys. Damn. Oh well, I expect that to get worse when the ol' fuck ass G-Men come to town. Giants winners, Bengals losers.

7) Lions (4-4) @ Vikings (5-4)
This divisional battle is simple: Detroit is trending up and Minnesota is trending down. Lions winners, Vikings losers.

8) Raiders (3-5) @ Ravens (6-2)
Man, what happened to the Raiders last week? They had only allowed 2 other running backs to rush for over 50 yards this whole season, then BOOM! Doug Martin explodes for 251. Of course Oakland got a few lucky breaks by not having to face Maurice Jones-Drew, Jamal Charles, Rashard Mendenhall, and Ryan Matthews (whether because they were hampered injury or coaching ineptitude), but still! Whatever, if the Ravens are smart, they rush Ray Rice 25-30 times and cruise to victory. Ravens winners, Raiders losers.

9) Chargers (4-4) @ Buccaneers (4-4)
News flash! Doug Martin hates his nickname "Muscle Hamster." Hmmm, I wonder why that is? Oh yeah, BECAUSE ITS A SHITTY NICKNAME! What the fuck does that even mean? If I was Martin, I'd react to people who called me Muscle Hammer the same way black people used to react when white people called them a nigga. Buccaneers winners, Chargers losers.

10) Rams (3-5) @ 49ers (6-2)
The Rams should be getting Danny Amendola back this week, so all won't be loss. 49ers winners, Rams losers.

11) Cowboys (3-5) @ Eagles (3-5)
On Monday, the awful Saints defense absolutely shredded the Eagles' offensive line, but you watch the Cowboys not get a hand on Michael Vick in this game. I still like the Cowboys to win, but it will only be because Philly will make one more stupid mistake than Dallas. I think. Cowboys winners, Eagles losers.

12) Titans (3-6) @ Dolphins (4-4)
The Dolphins have been fairly good against the run this season, so I'm not expecting much from Zombie Chris Johnson here. Dolphins winners, Titans losers.

13) Colts (5-3) @ Jaguars (1-7)
"Colts shave heads to support Pagano." That headline is all the information I need to pick this game. Colts winners, Jaguars losers.

14) Chiefs (1-7) @ Steelers (5-3)
Anybody got the Chiefs here? Thought not. Steelers winners, Chiefs losers.

This Week: 8-5-1 (.607)
Last Week: 12-2 (.857)
Season: 91-54-1 (.628)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 9

Hey, I just realized something: it's no longer October so no more accessories during games! Yes!

1) Steelers (4-3) @ Giants (6-2)
I originally intended on picking the Steelers here because of how good they looked last week, but this whole "We can't find a hotel to accommodate us so we're flying in the day of the game" shit is worrying me. Sure, they're only flying from Pittsburgh to New Jersey (that flight can't be much longer than an hour, if that), and sure, the Giants players have probably been inconvenienced themselves all week, but it still seems odd. Fuck it, I'm gonna stick with my pick this week (last week I switched my Steelers pick because of their uniforms and they won convincingly). Steelers winners, Giants losers.

2) Cowboys (3-4) @ Falcons (7-0)
Dallas is 0-7 in its last 7 Sunday night games. Yes, Tony Romo is essentially the anti-Manning when it comes to night games. All isn't bad though, Dallas is actually 3-0 in its last 3 games against opponents that were 7-0 or better when they played, with the last one coming in 2009, the same year they last won a Sunday night game. Cowboys winners, Falcons losers.

(Side note: Falcons fans shouldn't feel too bad about potentially losing this game because all 3 of those 7-0 or better teams the Cowboys beat went on to win the Super Bowl.)

3) Panther (1-6) @ Redskins (3-5)
Cam Newton vs. Robert Griffin III, now this should be fun! Am I crazy for thinking the Panthers could win totally win this game? I mean, they nearly beat the Bears last week, and there's a chance the Redskins are still blinded after lining up across from those hideous Steelers uniforms for 3 straight hours from last week (that's my excuse for Ft. Lauderdale's own Leonard Hankerson dropping balls and I'm sticking to it). I don't know if you can really upset a team that's also under .500, but this is my upset special. Panthers winners, Redskins losers.

4) Eagles (3-4) @ Saints (2-5)
New Orleans is giving up 30.9 points per game and an NFL-worst 474.7 yards per game, if Michael Vick doesn't light them up, maybe it is time for the Eagles to make a change at QB and go with the rookie Nick Foles. And no, I'm not hoping Vick gets yanked because the Cowboys play the Eagles next week...okay, I'm lying, I totally am. I hate the Eagles. Saints winners, Eagles losers.

5) Broncos (4-3) @ Bengals (3-4)
The Broncos are rolling (won 3 of their last 4) and the Bengals are reeling (loss 3 straight). Broncos winners, Bengals losers.

6) Dolphins (4-3) @ Colts (4-3)
Here's this week's "Way Harder To Pick Than It Should Be" game. Two rookie QBs, 2 teams that started off rough and have come on as of late, 2 teams they burned me last week, 2 teams who could improbably make the playoffs. I'm confused and I'm truly considering just flipping a coin to decide a winner.

Fuck it, I'm going with Miami because they beat the Jets and the Jets beat Indy. Dolphins winners, Colts losers.

7) Ravens (5-2) @ Browns (2-6)
The Browns are coming off their first 2 wins, and the Ravens are coming off of their bye. Can Cleveland keep it up? I say no, though Trent Richardson may rush for 200 yards. Ravens winners, Browns losers.

8) Vikings (5-3) @ Seahawks (4-4)
I'm not picking against Seattle at home, I'm just not. Seahawks winners, Vikings losers.

9) Bears (6-1) @ Titans (3-5)
Why o why do I have such a strong urge to pick the Titans in an upset here? I mean, I'm not gonna do it, but it's weird that I seriously thought about it, right? Bears winners, Titans losers.

10) Cardinals (4-4) @ Packers (5-3)
Poor Cardinals. Packers winners, Cardinals losers.

11) Bills (3-4) @ Texans (6-1)
The Bills' defense loves nothing more than to give up monster games and here comes another. Texans winners, Bills losers.

12) Buccaneers (3-4) @ Raiders (3-4)
The Bucs lost Carl Nicks and that's gonna hurt their running game tremendously. Unfortunately for Oakland, Tampa won't give up on their running game after their best back totals 5 carries like Kansas City. Buccaneers winners, Raiders losers.

13) Lions (3-4) @ Jaguars (1-6)
Are the Lions officially back? I'm not sure yet, but I definitely don't see a lose to Jacksonville in their future. Lions winners, Jaguars losers.

14) Chiefs (1-6) @ Chargers (3-4)
It's unfortunate the Knicks-Nets game got postponed due to the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy because I have no interest in watching this game, and I'm sure you don't either. Both of these teams are pathetic and there's about a 0.0000009% chance this game will be at all interesting if their performances last week were any indicator. Anyway, I'm still pissed at the Chiefs for only giving Jamal Charles 5 carries last week for what seems like no reason, so fuck them. Chargers winners, Chiefs losers.

This Week: 12-2 (.857)
Last Week: 9-5 (.643)
Season: 83-49 (.629)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 8

Last week the Dallas Cowboys won, I won both of my fantasy games by at least 39 points, in one of those match-ups I won by more points (57) than my opponent score (56), and I went 11-2 on my NFL picks. I've peaked in the 2012 season, so it's all downhill from here.


1) Falcons (6-0) @ Eagles (3-3)
Andy Reid is 13-0 in games after the bye, but this will be the first time he and the Eagles have faced an undefeated team. Also, how many of those 13 games came against teams who were also coming off a bye? I'm guessing not many, if any. Besides, wouldn't it make sense for Andy Reid to finally lose one of these games in the season he gets fired after (or during)? Falcons winners, Eagles losers.

2) Giants (5-2) @ Cowboys (3-3)
Much like in Week 1, I have dueling stats for this divisional match-up. The Giants are 3-0 in the Cowboys' new billion dollar stadium and the Cowboys have never loss 4 straight home games to the Giants. Which one will win out? I don't know, but I'm leaning towards New York continuing its undefeated record in Cowboys Stadium for another year because something always seems to go wrong for the Dallas in these games (in 2009 Tony Romo threw for 127 yards, the least amount of yards he's ever thrown for in a full game in his career, and 3 interceptions, including one that miraculously bounced off Jason Witten's shoe and right into the hands of the defender; in 2010 Romo broke his collarbone in the first half and the Jon Kitna lead offense gave back the 13 point lead almost immediately; in 2011 the Cowboys somehow gave up a 12 point lead with 5:41 left to play, then after Romo led the team into field goal range for a chance to tie it, Tom Coughlin called a timeout on a Dan Bailey 47-yard make, and the 2nd attempt was blocked). Giants winners, Cowboys losers.

3) Redskins (3-4) @ Steelers (3-3)
I could definitely see this game going either way, but in the end, I like Washington's defense to let down again and ruin another fabulous performance by Robert Griffin III.

...Wait, I just saw the uniforms the Steelers will be wearing this week. I'm out on them now.Redskins winners, Steelers losers.

4) Saints (2-4) @ Broncos (3-3)
Is it just me or have the Broncos played in every nationally televised game this season? This feels like at least the 5th time I've mentioned Peyton Manning playing at night as a reason for me picking Denver. Is it because they made the schedule when Tim Tebow was the projected starter or is this all Manning? Inquiring minds want to know (but are too lazy to do 37 seconds worth of Googling to find out). Broncos winners, Saints losers.

5) 49ers (5-2) @ Cardinals (4-3)
Remember when the Cardinals were 4-0? Bad times. 49ers winners, Cardinals losers.

6) Dolphins (3-3) @ Jets (3-4)
On the podcast I said I was taking Miami, but after remembering what happened to the last rookie QB that visited the Jets of New York, I'm changing my pick. Jets winners, Dolphins losers.

7) Patriots (4-3) @ Rams (3-4)
Whatever homefield advantage the Rams had is out the window as this is the NFL's random and unnecessary annual London game. There's a chance Danny Amendola could play, but I still like the Patriots to go over to jolly ol' England and lay down some American wood. Patriots winners, Rams losers.

8) Seahawks (4-3) @ Lions (2-4)
I know Detroit looked terrible Monday night in Chicago, but I like them a lot in this game because Seattle is a different team on the road. Seattle is 1-3 on the road this year with their only win coming against the 1-5 Carolina Panthers. Also, I think the Lions will be pumped to be playing at home after starting the season by playing 4 of its 6 games on the road. Lions winners, Seahawks losers.

9) Panthers (1-5) @ Bears (5-1)
The Bears will win this game easily, but can we take out a moment to acknowledge Brandon Marshall dropping biblical science on First Take the other day? Move over Tim Tebow, there's a new worshiper in town and he goes by the name of Biblical Brandon Marshall! I'm all in on Biblical Brandon Marshall and I can't wait to see more of him. Will he be guest preaching at any churches before the game this Sunday? How about after? If anybody knows, pass that information along to me. Bears winners, Panthers losers.

10) Buccaneers (2-4) @ Vikings (5-2)
What has happened to Christian Ponder, wasn't he just good like 2 weeks ago? Now he's playing awfully and the Vikings have loss 2 of their last 3 games. I guess you can't blame it all on his, but I am doing so anyway because I'm bitter about starting the week off 0-1. Vikings winners, Buccaneers losers.

11) Colts (3-3) @ Titans (3-4)
Looks like Zombie Chris Johnson has risen from the grave just in time for Halloween. Awesome! I like ZCJ2K to keep things rolling against a Colts defense that made Shonn Greene look like Emmitt Smith the last time they were on the road. Titans winners, Colts losers.

12) Chargers (3-3) @ Browns (1-6)
The Browns could totally win this game, I'm not crazy, right? If Trent Richardson was healthy, I'd take the upset... but he's not. Chargers winners, Browns losers.

13) Jaguars (1-5) @ Packers (4-3)
I'll put it like this: Jacksonville couldn't beat Green Bay with Blaine Gabbert and Maurice Jones-Drew. Packers winners, Jaguars losers.

14) Raiders (2-4) @ Chiefs (1-5)
Want to know how bad the Raiders suck? They barely beat the Jaguars at home without MJD and Gabbert. Then again, last time they were on the road, they nearly beat the Falcons. I'm so confused. Chiefs winners, Raiders losers.

This Week: 9-5 (.643)
Last Week: 11-2 (.846)
Season: 71-47 (.602)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.

Continue»

«Back