November 25, 2012

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 12

1) Packers (7-3) @ Giants (6-4)
Even though I'm sure the Giants have properly psyched themselves into believing that nobody believes in them, I still think the Packers leave town with a win. They won't have Clay Matthews around to help the cause, but as long as Aaron Rodgers goes out and doesn Aaron Rodgers things, Green Bay should be fine. Packers winners, Giants losers.

2) 49ers (7-2-1) @ Saints (5-5)
Jim Harbaugh still hasn't announced who his starter is gonna be in New Orleans, so I think we're still supposed to act like he didn't pick Colin Kaepernick days ago. When the switch becomes official, I do believe this will be the first time in NFL history that a QB with a 70% completion percentage, 100+ passer rating, and only 5 interceptions has been benched. 49ers winners, Saints losers.

(Side note: Doesn't Colin Kaepernick look like He Pingping, the decease former shortest man in the world?)

3) Falcons (9-1) @ Buccaneers (6-4)
Tampa Bay is 5-1 since their bye week and Atlanta continues to look shaky every week, which means Atlanta is definitely winning this game. It only makes no sense. Falcons winners, Buccaneers losers.

4) Vikings (6-4) @ Bears (7-3)
Jay Cutler has been cleared to play, but I was gonna pick Chicago to win anyway because the Vikings are not the 49ers. Then again, as bad as their offensive line was Monday, 0% of the population would be surprised if Jared Allen and crew re-concussed Cutler. Bears winners, Vikings losers.

5) Bills (4-6) @ Colts (6-4)
Good win by the Bills last week, but I like the Colts to bounce back at home after getting spanked by the Pats last week. Colts winners, Bills losers.

6) Ravens (8-2) @ Chargers (4-6)
Baltimore will make up for all the touchdowns they didn't score last week in Pittsburgh this week in San Diego. Ravens winners, Chargers losers.

7) Steelers (6-4) @ Browns (2-8)
Pittsburgh is on its 3rd starting quarterback in 3 weeks, is that ever a good thing? Meanwhile, Cleveland has played tough all season and if they cut down on the stupid mistake, I don't see why they couldn't win this. Browns winners, Steelers losers.

8) Seahawks (6-4) @ Dolphins (4-6)
Seattle's sole road win came against the 2-win Carolina Panthers, but Miami has looked so pathetic the last couple weeks that I just can't take them until they show me something. Seahawks winners, Dolphins losers.

9) Rams (3-6-1) @ Cardinals (4-6)
Man, what happened to the Rams last week? I really don't want to pick the Cardinals, but how can I pick a team that got killed by the Jets last Sunday? Cardinals winners, Rams losers.

10) Raiders (3-7) @ Bengals (5-5)
Last season Carson Palmer was so adamant about not playing for the Bengals that he decided to retire. This Sunday he returns to Cincinnati for the first time as an Oakland Raider. This one could get ugly. Wait, what am I saying? The Raiders are playing in this game, this one will get ugly. Bengals winners, Raiders losers.

11) Broncos (7-3) @ Chiefs (1-9)
Not that Denver needs to do it, but their mascot is a bronco and Eric Berry is scared of horses. Hmmm, they might wanna keep that one in their back pocket just in case the Chiefs ever get a competent coaching staff. Broncos winners, Chiefs losers.

12) Titans (4-6) @ Jaguars (1-9)
This a divisional game, so it should be close, but I think the Jags are pretty much done winning for this season. Titans winners, Jaguars losers.

13) Panthers (2-8) @ Eagles (3-7)
Am I really gonna pick the Panthers again? I guess I have to, but I really, really don't want to. Gosh, I hate this game so much. Panthers winners, Eagles losers.

Thanksgiving Games

Texans (9-1) @ Lions (4-6)
I really don't know what to make of the Lions, one week they seem to play good, the next they don't. One thing I do know is that the Texans severely underestimated the Jaguars Sunday and that won't happen again. Texans winners, Lions losers.

Redskins (4-6) @ Cowboys (5-5)
Judging solely by the games of this past Sunday, you'd have to say Washington has the edge coming into Thanksgiving, right? The Redskins destroyed the 3-win Eagles while the Cowboys struggled with the 2-win Browns. That's a huge reason I initially was gonna go with the visitors, but then I remembered Tony Romo is 5-0 in Thanksgiving Day games and 13-0 at home in November. Plus, rookie QBs are 1-3 in Thursday games this year, with the only win coming by Andrew Luck against the 1-win Jaguars. The Cowboys' offensive line worries the shit out of me (down to the 3rd string center; best lineman Tyron Smith is questionable for this game), and I think it's gonna be a close game, but... Cowboys winners, Redskins losers.

Patriots (7-3) @ Jets (4-6)
I've been hearing a lot people say it's not Bill Belichick's fault Rob Gronkowski got hurt blocking for New England's 59th point last Sunday, but I'd beg to differ. Yes, your field goal unit is your field goal unit, but why were they still scoring garbage touchdown when the game was clearly over? A 21 point lead wasn't big enough, they had to push it to 28? A 28 point lead wasn't big enough, they had to push it to 35? It would be one thing if the defense scored the touchdowns, but the offense did. I'm sorry, Gronkowski's broken forearm is as much Belichick's fault as it is whoever's body Gronk broke it on.

As far as the Pats-Jets game goes, I know the Jets got a win last week, but they're still pathetic. I wanna take the upset because I hate the Pats, but I just don't see it happening. Patriots winners, Jets losers.

This Week: 11-5 (.686)
Last Week: 11-3 (.786)
Season: 113-62-1 (.645)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.