December 01, 2012

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 13

1) Giants (7-4) @ Redskins (5-6)
Fuck! RGIII is so good it pisses me off! Why couldn't St. Louis just take him with the 2nd pick and trade Sam Bradford away? FUCK!

As far as this game goes, initially I was going to go with RGIII, but it would make too much sense for the kid to come up short after undressing the Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Besides, what are the chances the Giants destroyed the Packers only to lose to the Redskins the very next week? Giants winners, Redskins losers.

2) Steelers (6-5) @ Ravens (9-2)
Ben Roethlisberger has once again been ruled out for the Steelers, so they will again turn to Charlie Batch. (Remember when people were all pissy when Mike Tomlin wouldn't put Batch in even after Doug E. Fresh's illegitimate son, Byron Leftwich, broke his ribs? Don't hear too much from that crowd anymore, do we?) Not only are the Ravens undefeated in games against the Steelers that Big Ben doesn't play in, but they've also won their last 15 games in Baltimore. Ravens winners, Steelers losers.

3) Saints (5-6) @ Falcons (10-1)
No, I didn't know Drew Brees was gonna throw 5 interceptions, but I did know the Falcons weren't gonna get swept in the season series by this version of the Saints. Falcons winners, Saints losers.

4) Buccaneers (6-5) @ Broncos (8-3)
As much as I'd like to see Tampa lose this game so Dallas could have an outside shot at the last wild card spot, I just have a feeling Denver is in for a stinker. Yes, Peyton Manning is back, Champ Bailey owns Vincent Jackson, and Tampa has a secondary ripe for the picking, but I just have a feeling about this one. Buccaneers winners, Broncos losers.

5) Seahawks (6-5) @ Bears (8-3)
The Seahawks on the road? I don't care if Peanut Tillman's foot in cut off, I'm still taking the home team. Bears winners, Seahawks losers.

6) Vikings (6-5) @ Packers (7-4)
Obviously Green Bay stunk up the joint last Sunday night in New York, but I like them to bounce back against an old rival. Packers winners, Vikings losers.

7) 49ers (8-2-1) @ Rams (4-6-1)
Jim Harbaugh is a really good coach, but his handling of his quarterback situation has been awful. Alex Smith has every right to complain because at the end of the day, all he did to lose his job was get a concussion. Nothing again Colin Kaepernick, but it's true.

Meanwhile, the last time these 2 teams played we had a tie. This time I say things are a little more decisive now that Kaepernick is properly prepared to face the Rams this time. 49ers winners, Rams losers.

8) Patriots (8-3) @ Dolphins (5-6)
The only hope the Dolphins have here is if the sprinklers go off during the game again and Tom Brady sprains his ankle trying to run off the field to make sure his Uggs don't get wet. Patriots winners, Dolphins losers.

9) Colts (7-4) @ Lions (4-7)
Anybody shaving their head before this game in honor of Chuck Pagano? I should wait until I find out to pick this game, but if they got 2 cheerleaders to do it last week, I'm sure Indy can round up somebody to take the L for good karma. Well, until they do, I've got the home team. Lions winners, Colts losers.

10) Texans (10-1) @ Titans (4-7)
The Texans are coming off of 10 days of rest, but before that, they played 10 quarters of football in the span of 4 days. Plus, this is a divisional game, so while I'm not predicting an upset, I do see this game being a lot closer than it probably should be in the end. Texans winners, Titans losers.

11) Bengals (6-5) @ Chargers (4-7)
Cincinnati isn't a great team, but they usually beat the bad team in from of them, and San Diego is a bad team. Bengals winners, Chargers losers.

12) Jaguars (2-9) @ Bills (4-7)
I really don't have an angle here, I just think Buffalo is going to win. Bills winners, Jaguars winners.

13) Eagles (3-8) @ Cowboys (5-6)
No Vick, no McCoy, no fight left; if the Cowboys don't win this game it's officially time to tank the rest of the season. Cowboys winners, Eagles losers.

14) Cardinals (4-7) @ Jets (4-7)
Yes, the Jets are a disgrace to the NFL, but aren't the Cardinals — losers of 7 straight — disgraces too? I say yes, and I also say Mark Sanchez runs into no one's butt and fumbles this week. Jets winners, Cardinals losers.

15) Panthers (3-8) @ Chiefs (1-10)
Kansas City put up a little fight at Arrowhead last weekend, but I'm sure that was mostly because they were playing a division rival. They won't show up this Sunday. Panthers winners, Chiefs losers.

16) Browns (3-8) @ Raiders (3-8)
The Browns haven't won a road game since Week 2...of last year! And even that was against the then-lowly Colts. They do have one thing going for themselves though, and it's that they're playing the Raiders. Browns winners, Raiders losers.

This Week: 9-7 (.563)
Last Week: 11-5 (.686)
Season: 122-69-1 (.638)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.