December 07, 2012

NFL Winners & Losers: Week 14

1) Texans (11-1) @ Patriots (9-3)
Houston's defensive line slaps more balls than a gay pornstar, but when I think about their secondary, I can't help but think about the time Aaron Rodgers threw for 6 touchdowns on them, or the time Matt Stafford threw for a season high 441 yards on them, or the time Chad Henne threw for a career high 4 touchdowns on them. I know New England is down both Rob Gronkowski and Julian Edelman, but I think Tom Brady is gonna go off Monday night. Patriots winners, Texans losers.

2) Ravens (9-3) @ Redskins (6-6)
After last Sunday's loss to the Steelers who deserved to be ridiculed more, Joe Flacco for getting outplayed by Charlie Batch, or the Ravens' defense for allowing Charlie Batch to outplay Joe Flacco?

While you try to figure out that one, I'd just like to concede the NFC East to the Redskins now. This is the hardest game they have left on the schedule, and it's not even all that hard of a game. Redskins winners, Ravens losers.

3) Saints (5-7) @ Giants (7-5)
The Saints have beaten the Giants 3 straight times, with an average margin of victory of 23 points. With that being said, I don't see the champs losing for a 4th time in 5 games. Giants winners, Saints losers.

4) Bears (8-4) @ Vikings (6-6)
Vikings fans can get as "super-duper drunk" as they want, but they aren't winning this game unless Christian Ponder kills his fiance the day before the game and the sneaky good Joe Webb gets the start. Bears winners, Vikings losers.

5) Cowboys (6-6) @ Bengals (7-5)
As soon as the Redskins beat the Giants and the Cowboys all of a sudden became just one game out of first place in the NFC East, I knew they'd lose this game. Every time the Cowboys get close, they lose and Sunday won't be any different. Bengals winners, Cowboys losers.

6) Lions (4-8) @ Packers (8-4)
Green Bay quietly has a lot of injuries to key players, but good thing for them Detroit sucks loudly. Packers winners, Lions losers.

7) Falcons (11-1) @ Panthers (3-8)
I don't care if they're at home, if Carolina couldn't beat the garbage ass Chiefs, they're not about to beat Atlanta. Falcons winners, Panthers losers.

8) Rams (5-6-1) @ Bills (5-7)
The last time the Rams went to overtime against the 49ers they came out flat and loss the next week to an AFC East team (Jets), so I'm gonna be lazy and say that happens again. Bills winners, Rams losers.

9) Titans (4-8) @ Colts (8-4)
Divisional games are generally pretty tight, but I don't expect this one to be. Colts winners, Titans losers.

10) Dolphins (5-7) @ 49ers (8-3-1)
I don't have anything to say about this game, so good thing this clip of Jim Harbaugh on a 1996 episode of that version of Saved By The Bell that nobody watched surfaced this week. Look at him, he looks like Brett Favre circa "There's Something About Mary." 49ers winners, Dolphins losers.

11) Cardinals (4-8) @ Seahawks (7-5)
Here's the 9th straight loss for Arizona. Seahawks winners, Cardinals losers.

12) Chargers (4-8) @ Steelers (7-5)
Ben Roethlisberger is back and...well, that's pretty much it. Steelers winners, Chargers losers.

13) Broncos (9-3) @ Raiders (3-9)
The Raiders are terrible and the Broncos handle business against terrible teams (aka 60% of the teams on their schedule). Broncos winners, Raiders losers.

14) Jets (5-7) @ Jaguars (2-10)
Let me get this straight, Mark Sanchez plays terribly for 11 games, but wasn't benched until the 12th game, which Tim Tebow just happened to miss due to injury, despite being medically cleared to return. For the 52nd time I ask: Why did they trade for Tebow again?? Was Rex Ryan hired by satan to derail his career? I seriously don't get it. Jaguars winners, Jets losers.

15) Eagles (3-9) @ Buccaneers (6-6)
That Bryce Brown is pretty damn good but... Philly still isn't gonna win. Eagles losers, Buccaneers losers.

16) Chiefs (2-10) @ Browns (4-8)
I'm trying to restrain myself from making distasteful jokes about Jovan Belcher, so I'll just say I like Cleveland at home. Browns winners, Chiefs losers.

This Week: 9-7 (.563)
Last Week: 9-7 (.563)
Season: 131-76-1 (.635)*

*Due to the Inaccurate Reception, these win/lose totals are fucked for the season.