1) Cowboys (1-3) @ Vikings (1-3)
The Underachievement Bowl!
Question: Is this the first ever 1-3 vs. 1-3 Game of the Week in NFL history?? Somebody look that up for me.
Okay, so yes, both the Vikings and Cowboys have underachieved this season. We know. Let's move on from that discussion and cut to the chase: the Cowboys are a better team than the Vikings are. Our main problems are penalties and turnovers. Their main problems are penalties, turnovers, and Brett Favre.
It's no military secret Brett doesn't want to be playing right now, and if you ask me, I don't think he believes the Vikings can win this game. No, not because of karma coming back around after he ran the score up with 2 late 4th quarter touchdowns against us in the playoffs last year (though that could be a minor factor), but because he's hurt, embarrassed, and his head isn't in the game. He already started setting up his exit strategy by grabbing at his elbow in the 4th quarter Monday night and talking about possibly missing games the next day. I say he could be well on his way back to Hattiesburg if the Vikings lose Sunday.
Now the only question that remains is will Minnesota lose?? I think they will...which is exactly why I'm going with the reserve jinx and picking them to win. Vikings winners, Cowboys losers.
2) Ravens (4-1) @ Patriots (3-1)
The "Are The Pats Really Gonna Act Like Deion Branch Is Gonna Replace Randy Moss? OK, Good Luck With That" Bowl!
So let me get this straight: New England didn't want to pay Deion Branch, so they traded him in 2006, brought in an all-time great to replace him in 2007, traded said all-time great away in 2010 when they didn't want to pay him, brought back Branch to replace him, then Branch agrees to take a pay cut next season to stay in New England...and he's okay okay/happy with this??
Bill Belichick's pimp hand is strong!
So strong that the name "Bill Belichick" can no longer contain him, so from now on we'll refer to him as Bill Sellatrick. That's right, Bill sell a trick a dream better than Martin Luther King (oh shit, that rhymed, I should be a rapper! *Stacy from "The Wood" voice*).
Anyway, what has Deion Branch even been doing over the past few season he wasn't in New England?? Well I can tell you what he hasn't been doing: anything. His last 100 yard receiving game was September 30th, 2007. I'm not sure what they're expecting of him, but if I'm an opposing team, I'm still focusing on Wes Welker now that Moss is gone.
I know NE wants revenge for that playoff embarrassment against the Ravens last year, but it ain't happening this week. Ravens winners, Pats losers.
3) Falcons (4-1) @ Eagles (3-2)
The "Fuck, Why Did Mike Vick Have To Get Hurt Before This Game Happened?!" Bowl!
Well, at least the game isn't in Atlanta because then it'd be a complete travesty that Mike Vick can't play.
Then again, maybe it's a good thing because the Falcons are probably the most complete team the NFC has to offer. Kevin Kolb had himself a nice little game last week against the winless 49ers, but now it's time to come back to Earth. Falcons winners, Eagles losers.
4) Colts (3-2) @ Redskins (3-2)
The "Peyton Manning Doesn't Lose Sunday Night Games" Bowl!
Fuck all the stats, you and I both know the Colts rarely lose these Sunday night games, and I like that trend to continue this Sunday. Colts winners, Redskins losers.
5) Jets (4-1) @ Broncos (2-3)
The Upset Bowl!
Not including the Chargers-Chiefs late night Tsunami Bowl in Week 1, Monday Night Football winners are 0-3 the following week in 2010. I can't make a convincing case for the Broncos winning this game, but I think somehow they will. Broncos winners, Jets losers.
6) Dolphins (2-2) @ Packers (3-2)
The Replacements Bowl!
Green Bay hasn't just been bit by the injury bug, they've been raped by it. They were once NFC favorites, and now it seems like it'd be a miracle if they can even make it to the next week with 53 guys. Of course it didn't help that they let guys like Marshawn Lynch and Jerome Harrison get traded while they sat back idly, but man, they can't catch a break.
The Dolphins are no strangers to injuries themselves, as they went through similar issues last year, but they seem pretty healthy coming into this game. Plus, they're road warriors (though they kinda have to be since they gave up their home field advantage of sultering 90° weather in their first 2 home games by playing at night), so I say they take care of business coming off their bye. Dolphins winners, Packers losers.
7) Titans (3-2) @ Jaguars (3-2)
The "I Can't Believe The Jaguars Are Over .500" Bowl!
The Jaguars have played in 6 Monday Night Football games since they came into the league in 1995. Guess what?? They've won all of them.
Like the Jets-Broncos game, I don't know how the Jags are gonna do it, but they're gonna do it. Jaguars winners, Titans losers.
8) Steelers (3-1) @ Browns (1-4)
The Big Ben Bowl/Colt McCoy Funeral Bowl!
Ben Roethlisberger is back, and it might be time to crown the champs after just 5 Weeks of football. Seriously, barring injuries, who beats them this year??
Well one team we know who won't beat them is the Cleveland Browns. I like this team, and they're very frisky, but they don't stand a chance. Poor Colt McCoy, talk about being thrown into the fire. Colt McCoy has a better chance of success bringing back Colt 45 than he does of beating the Steelers. This will be a sad, sad situation (sort of like The Situation inexplicably turning into a lame on the past 2 episodes of Jersey Shore). Steelers winners, Browns losers.
9) Saints (3-2) @ Buccaneers (3-1)
The "I Still Can't Believe The Saints Lost To The Max Hall-lead Cardinals! WTF?!" Bowl!
Not enough is being made about how not good the Saints are playing right now. Besides the fact that they just lost to the Max Hall edition Cardinals, they've really struggled all season. Of course nothing gets said about it because they have a shiny 3-2 record, but the combined record of the teams they've beaten is 1-14. One win, fourteen losses. Flawed teams with deceptive records in the NFC are exactly why my Cowboys are NOT done, despite the fact we're currently 1-3.
I'll ride the Saints for another week, but only because Carson Palmer isn't gonna be around to give the Bucs the game again. Saints winners, Buccaneers losers.
10) Chiefs (3-1) @ Texans (3-2)
The Matt Bowl!
Matt Cassel vs. Matt Schaub. I'll take the latter. Texans winners, Chiefs losers.
11) Lions (1-4) @ Giants (3-2)
The "Did The Lions Really Score 44 Points Last Week??" Bowl!
Usually the Lions are on the opposite end of the 40 point tallies, but not last Sunday. I predicted they'd win and all, but damn.
The last time Detroit hung 40 on someone was in 2007. Unfortunately, after that win, they lost 6 straight, and 7 of their last 8 games. Giants winners, Lions losers.
12) Raiders (2-3) @ 49ers (0-5)
The Bay Area Bowl!
Poor 49ers, they can't catch a break. Meanwhile, last Sunday, all the Raiders did was catch break after break.
I'm taking the Raiders in this game for 2 reasons: 1) New England has their first round pick and I don't want it to be in the top 10, 2) if the boo birds and "we want [David] Carr" chants came out when Philly was in town, there's no telling what the crowd will be like with Bay Area bragging rights on the line. Raiders winners, 49ers losers.
13) Chargers (2-3) @ Rams (2-3)
The Norv Turner Job Safety Bowl!
Why is everybody always talking about Wade Phillips' job security, but never Norv Turner's?? The Chargers have 1 more win that the Cowboys, and 4 of their 5 games have been against teams in the mighty, mighty AFC and NFC West divisions. Usual slow start or not, that's just shameful.
Fortunately for Norv and the Bolts, the Rams are too injured to keep up with them on offense. Simply put: Sam Bradford and his back-up, back-up WR corps isn't gonna be able to put up enough points to compete. Chargers winners, Rams losers.
14) Seahawks (2-2) @ Bears (4-1)
The Rain vs. Wind Bowl!
Two cities I wouldn't mind living in, one game I would mind watching.
If the Bears can pull off a win with a quarterback going 6/16 for 32 yards and 4 picks (albeit against the 0-5 Panthers), they should be able to handle a hapless road team in the Seahawks (58 points in 2 home wins, 17 points in 2 road losses). Bears winners, Seahawks losers.
This Week: 7-7 (.500)
Overall Record: 51-39 (.567)
Last Week: 7-7 (.500)
