Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Who Have Not Killed Themselves As Of Yet;
As you now know, our former former hero, who was drafted here with the 20th pick in the 1996 NBA Draft, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a one day, narcissistic-ish, mostly under the radar build-up culminating with a national tweet by Ira Winderman of the Sun-Sentinel reporting his "decision" ...kind of like everything else we've "witnessed" in sports in 2010.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us, but hold off on taking that entire bottle of prescription pills. No, seriously, put the bottle down and step away from the medicine cabinet.
The good news is...well I'm still working on that part, but what is left of you simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. Again.
You have given so much while we were winning and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL FILL OUT A 15 MAN ROSTER BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED 'BIG Z,' LEBITCH JAMES, AND PAP RILEY'S NEW TEAM DOES!"
You can take that to the bank, baby!
(Side note: I know I promised an NBA championship on my last open letter, but now that I'm sober, I figured some more attainable goals were in order.)
It's obvious some people think they can go to South Beach without feeling the scornful wrath of Dan Gilbert.
No sir, that's simply not how it works.
Staying with one team for 14 years then fleeing the sinking ship because our franchise player abandoned us and we're probably going to win less than 20 games in 2011 is the exact opposite lesson we want our children to learn. You're suppose to go down playing with the ship like the band on the Titanic.
I mean, who does this Lithuanian piece **** think he is? First LeBroad, and now our longest tenured player?! Fourteen years! And you missed nearly three of them! We knew you when you had hair and didn't look like the guy from the movie "Powder" mother****er! I know where you live!
Now, by the powers vested in Dan Gilbert, the so-called "curse" on Cleveland has been "sent" down south with the self-declared former "King." That's done. I have "something" even better for this "Big Z" guy, season tickets to the Cavaliers after his "mysterious" season-ending knee injury when he returns to Cleveland to collect his belonging, that I will have "nothing" to do "with." I will "also" have "nothing" to do "with" the "dead horse's head" "stuffed with chopped up horse wang" found in his "bed."
Oh, and Dan LeBaLard-ass, don't think I forgot about you. If I see you streets I'm slapping the **** out of you! Put some epic music behind that, *****!
Sleep well, what is left of Cleveland.
Put the knife down, tomorrow will be a new and much brighter day....
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
KEEPING YOU from committing the suicide that is long overdue....
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers
