1) Cowboys (0-2) @ Texans (2-0)
The Job Uncertainty Bowl!
If the Cowboys lose this game, and fall to 0-3 heading into its super early bye week, who knows what team comes back in Week 5. Will Wade Phillips still be around? How about Jason Garrett? David Buehler? Roy Williams?
Hey guys, here's a way to secure your jobs: WIN!
Guess what, though? The Cowboys are NOT dead! You want to know why?? Well check out my new column "A Case For The 0-2's" where I debunked the "22 of 169 0-2 teams since 1990 missed the playoffs" stat.
Unfortunately, I have no clever column for 0-3 starts, so my Cowboys must win. And for that reason, and that reason only, I'm going with the sacred reserve jinx. That's right, I'm taking Houston to win, and to win big! Texans winners, Cowboys losers.
2) Jets (1-1) @ Dolphins (2-0)
The Jason Taylor Bowl!
So who had Mark Sanchez outdueling Tom Brady, Randy Moss escaping Revis Island only to land on Cromartie Island, and the Jets spanking the Pats by 2 touchdown last Sunday?? Just raise your hand quietly so I know who to call a fuckin' liar. Thank you.
Don't expect a repeat performance from Sanchez this week against Miami's stingy defense. Braylon Edwards' stingy behavior won't help the cause either (though I'm sure he won't miss many offensive snaps despite not starting).
Unfortunately for the Dolphins, the Jets defense is even stingier. I fully expect a low scoring game with the Jets winning by no more than 6 points. Jets winners, Dolphins losers.
3) Packers (2-0) @ Bears (2-0)
The New Gunslingers Bowl!
Unlike the Jason Taylor Bowl, I expect this to be a high scoring affair, possibly the highest of the weekend. Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler whip it around more than Ben Roethlisberger at a small town Georgia nightclub. Neither team has much of a running game, so they'll have no choice but to lean on their QB's arm come Sunday. Awesome for ESPN, not so much for the DBs. Packers winners, Bears losers.
4) Eagles (1-1) @ Jaguars (1-1)
The Michael Vick Liberation Day Bowl!
Mike Vick becomes a starting quarterback again and white folks are pissed! The shit is hilarious, I swear. Yeah, it's messed up Kevin Kolb didn't get a full opportunity to fail, but Andy Reid isn't gonna save his job by waiting on an inexperienced QB to figure it out. Besides, have you seen Philly's offensive line?? They're awful! If anything Kevin Kolb and white people should be happy because if the Lions sacked Vick 5 times, who knows what they would've done to him.
Personally, I'm still torn. I want to see the guy do well, but he plays for a rival team, so I don't want him to do that well.
Welp we'll see what happens when their schedule gets tougher, but Mike Vick will ball this Sunday. Eagles winners, Jaguars losers.
5) Titans (1-1) @ Giants (1-1)
The Keith Bullock Bowl!
Both of these teams got spanked pretty thoroughly last week after Week 1 wins, so as far as I'm concerned, one of these teams is a contender and the other is a pretender.
I'm gonna go ahead and say the Titans are the contender. I'd have much more confidence in that proclamation if Jeff Fisher hadn't pulled Vince Young against the Steelers, but hey, at least he didn't bitch and think about killing himself this time around. That's a positive sign for that fragile minded ass nigga. Besides, Chris Johnson WILL NOT be held down for a second straight week, especially not by a team that came 8 yards short of giving Joseph Addai his first 100-yard rushing day since November 16, 2008. Titans winners, Giants losers.
6) Falcons (1-1) @ Saints (2-0)
The NFC South Bowl!
I know technically the Buccaneers do have a better record than the Falcons, but since they won't be able to play Browns and Panthers every week, I'm sure Atlanta will leap frog them sooner than later. When that happens within the next week or 2, the NFC South will officially be a 2 horse race between the Saints and Falcons.
Anyway, both teams lost back-up running backs Week 2 in Reggie Bush and Jerious Norwood. Bush will obviously be missed more solely because of the fear factor that he may break a huge play at any moment. Now I'm not saying Norwood isn't a good back, but most teams don't have to change what they're doing on defense to account for him.
A bigger issue for the Saints right now is that they just look primed to lose one. At this time last year they were plowing down teams by 20 every week. This year something is different. I'm not sure what it is just yet, but I think Mike Smith will figure it out and lead his club to victory in New Orleans Sunday. Falcons winners, Saints losers.
7) Lions (0-2) @ Vikings (0-2)
The "I Hope Ndamukong Suh Doesn't Kill Brett Favre, No Seriously, I Fear For His Life" Bowl!
As I mentioned above, last week the Lions sacked Michael Vick 5 times. Five times! Michael Vick! And on top of that, they had 11 QB hits on him as well. Yeah, the Eagles' offensive line gets ran through like the boys in the youth ministry at Bishop Eddie Long's church, but that's still not good news for old man Favre, who looks stiffer than Master P on "Dancing With The Stars."
(Side note: Speaking of Favre, could he look like he wants to be at the games any less when he's on the sideline?? It's written all over his face. Why hasn't Bill Simmons coined the "Brett Favre face" yet?? That face deserves it.)
Last week the Dolphins practically begged the Vikings to take that game, and they couldn't. I think they'll get things turned around a little bit this week though, and take advantage of Matthew Stafford being sidelined. Vikings winners, Lions losers.
8) Colts (1-1) @ Broncos (1-1)
The Horse Bowl!
Did you catch Week 2's Colts-Giants Sunday nighter?? Well this game will be a lot like that one. Peyton Manning is gonna fuck the Broncos' Champ Bailey-less secondary and send them cell phone pics in a muscle shirt afterwards. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw Tim Tebow in this game at some point. Colts winners winner, Broncos losers.
9) Steelers (2-0) @ Buccaneers (2-0)
The "Looks Can Be Deceiving" Bowl!
All these bum ass injuries the Steelers are having at QB are really killing the potential drama of Ben Roethlisberger coming back to a winning team. If Dennis Dixon or Byron Leftwich started all 4 games and lead Pittsburgh to this great start, Mike Tomlin would at least have to consider staying with the hot hand oppose to handing the keys back over to Ben. But since Dixon is out, and Leftwich still hasn't played, when Ben is eligible, he'll just step right in. QB controversy killer. Bummer. Steelers winners, Bucs losers.
10) Bengals (1-1) @ Panthers (0-2)
The Jimmy Clausen Era Bowl!
Man, we knew Jimmy Clausen was the QB of the future in Carolina, but who knew that future would be 2 weeks into the 2010 season??
What happened to Matt Moore?? He went on a tear late last season, and followed it up by losing his job in the second game. You have to suck all kinds of suck for that to happen, and honestly, he did. It's a sad situation, especially for John Fox because his job is all but gone now. Bengals winners, Panthers losers.
11) 49ers (0-2) @ Chiefs (2-0)
The "Are The Chiefs Really 2-0 Right Now?" Bowl!
Could the Chiefs be on their way to the playoffs this year?? Well being a team in the AFC West, they have an extremely soft schedule, so it's not outside the realm of possibility. Don't get it twisted though, this is NOT a good team. Thus far lucky, but not a good team.
On the other side, did the 49ers really almost knock off the Saints Monday night?? I'm still in shock by that. Hopefully their momentum will carry over, but who's to know if it actually will? I mean, they did get destroyed by a not-so-good Seahawks team, that in turn got destroyed in Week 2. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Niners winners, Chiefs losers.
12) Redskins (1-1) @ Rams (0-2)
The "Upset Waiting To Happen" Bowl!
Sam Bradford and the Rams have been knocking on the door each of the first 2 weeks, and I think this is the game they make a breakthrough against an overrated Redskins team. Rams winners, Redskins losers.
13) Browns (0-2) @ Ravens (1-1)
The Art Modell Bowl!
I thought Seneca Wallace would be slightly better than Jake Delhomme, but after last week's outing, where he barely completed half of his passes, I realized they suck about the same. This will be a good opportunity for the Ravens to whip somebody's ass after last week's turnover-riddled game in Cincy. Ravens winners, Browns losers.
14) Bills (0-2) @ Patriots (1-1)
The Blow Out Bowl!
Poor Bills. I know I wasn't the only one who felt sympathy for them when Donte Whitner expressed his displeasure with Buffalo being laughed at by opposing teams. I mean, it doesn't get much more sadder than that, folks. I felt like a dad and wanted to protect my kids.
Well unfortunately I can't protect the Bills, and again they'll be run through cocaine lines at Soulja Boy and KiD CuDi house party. That's why the Blow Out Bowl will be sponsored by K-Y Jelly and the movie "Takers."
Pats winners, Bills losers.
15) Chargers (1-1) @ Seahawks (1-1)
The Fluke Bowl!
It took a flukes for the Chargers and Seahawks to come into this game with the same record. The Chargers' fluke came in the form of a Week 1 loss to the Chiefs, and the Sehawks' fluke came in the form of a mailed-in performance by the 49ers. I think the 2 teams we saw in Week 2 are a lot closer to being reality than the ones we saw in Week 1, so Captain Obvious is going with San Diego to win big. Chargers winners, Seahawks losers.
16) Raiders (1-1) @ Cardinals (1-1)
The Toilet Bowl!
It took all of 1½ weeks for Bruce Gradkowski to replace Jason Campbell as the starter in Oakland, which makes you wonder "Why exactly did the bring in Campbell again?"
Either way, this promises to be an awful game, and you can bank on it ending with some weird score like 16-12 or something like that. Raiders winners, Cards losers.
This Week: 11-5 (.688)
Overall Record: 29-19 (.604)
Last Week: 10-6 (.625)
