NFL Winners & Losers: Week 1

Ahhhhhhhhh YEAH! It's that time again and I couldn't be any more excited! Man, it seems like only weeks ago the lockout was going strong and the season was in jeopardy... Oh yeah, probably because it was only weeks ago. Either way, I'm ready for some football, so let's get started with these Week 1 predictions.

1) Cowboys (0-0) @ Jets (0-0)

The Ryan Bowl

I always get on the NFL for their stupidity (and I may or may not later), so let me give them their props for totally nailing this Sunday nighter. So many story lines! Rex vs. Rob, Miles-Dez vs. Revis-Cromartie, Broadway vs. Big D, America's Team vs. America's Most Talkative Team.

Oh, and then there's the small matter of it being the 10th anniversary of 9/11. America's Team in New York (okay, New Jersey) for 9/11? Again, the NFL nailed the fuck out of this match-up and made it its bitch.

And being that this game does fall on 9/11, it raises a serious sports question: Can New York teams be beaten in New York on 9/11? I did the research and the answer is... "kinda."

Since September 11th, 2001 there has been 8 professional sports games played in New York by New York teams (which obviously doesn't include the Knicks, Rangers, or Islanders since basketball and hockey aren't playing in early September). Their record? Five wins, 3 losses. Three of the wins belong to the Yankees in 2002, 2003, and 2005, one belongs to the Giants in 2005, and the last belongs to the Mets in 2010. This season opener will be the first time the Jets have played at home on 9/11 (the only other time they played on 9/11 they loss to the Chiefs 27-7 back in the Priest Holmes/Larry Johnson days).

So, just because it's 9/11 does that mean the New York team is destined to win? Nope. But does it mean their home field advantage will to be magnified to unreal levels? Hell yeah!

Now, unlike a lot of Cowboy fans, I don't think 2011 will be a disaster (I wrote this before Mike Jenkins and Tyron Smith went down with knee injuries yesterday), but I do think this stage may be too big for our young guys this early. Jets winners, Cowboys losers.

2) Saints (0-0) @ Packers (0-0)
The QB Championship Belt Bowl

After Drew Brees beat Peyton Manning in Super Bowl XLIV, the consensus was that he had the QB championship belt. Aaron Rodgers has since claimed that title with a win for the Steelers in Super Bowl XLV. What this has to do with the game of the 2011 season? Not a damn thing.

Moving right along...

Since the NFL started letting the previous season's Super Bowl winner host the Thursday night season opener in 2004, the defending champs are 7-0. Packers winners, Saints losers.

3) Steelers (0-0) @ Ravens (0-0)
The "How Is This A Week 1 Game?" Bowl

There's no instance when a Steelers-Ravens match-up isn't intriguing (well at least for a few more years), but doesn't it seem a bit odd this game is happening so early? I complimented the NFL on their Week 1 scheduling above, but this seems a bit like they're blowing their load.

Either way, the Steelers are better and thus they will be victorious (that's generally how things go Week 1). Steelers winners, Ravens losers.

4) Colts (0-0) @ Texans (0-0)
The Curtis Painter Bowl II?

Now that the Colts have officially announced that Peyton Manning won't be playing, and odds are Kerry Collins doesn't know the offense enough to start, it looks like we're a just a few short days from the 2nd Curtis Painter Bowl (the first being the infamous Week 17 game against the Jets in '09). This should be fun! ...Well, unless you're a Colts fan.

Of course the Texans aren't 100% themselves, Arian Foster still isn't healthy (and still is Vonta Leach-less), so... Aww fuck it, doesn't even make sense trying to act like there's a chance the Texans don't win this game. Texans winners, Colts losers.

5) Eagles (0-0) @ Rams (0-0)
The Bangwagon Bowl

And so the journey begins for the Philadelphia Heat and St. Louis Bulls.

This should be fun, but even the Heagles' porous offensive line shouldn't stop them from beating St. Louis. I mean, I know they're improved and Josh McDaniels is the offensive coordinator, but are we really expecting them to have his system down in a matter of weeks? Call me crazy, but I think I'm gonna take Nnamdi and the Heagles' secondary over the young team learning a new offense with Danny Amendola as their best receiver. Eagles winners, Rams losers.

6) Patriots (0-0) @ Dolphins (0-0)
The "Miami Has No Chance" Bowl

To be clear, unlike most, I don't think the Dolphins will completely suck this year, I just think the Pats are going to be great. Yeah, I know it takes about as much effort to say that as it does to get a boner at a porn convention, but it's probably true. Besides, when's the last time the Pats lost a season opener? Exactly. Patriots winners, Dolphins losers.

(Side note: The last time they lost a season opener was in 2003, if you were wondering)

7) Lions (0-0) @ Buccaneers (0-0)
The "If They Can Stay Healthy" Bowl

If Matthew Stafford can stay healthy the Lions have a chance. If the Bucs defense can stay healthy they have a chance. Memo to NFL analysts: WHOEVER STAYS HEALTHY GENERALLY HAS A CHANCE, SO If YOU SAY EITHER OF THE 2 PREVIOUS SENTENCES, YOU'RE NOT REALLY SAYING ANYTHING! Buccaneers winners, Lions losers.

8) Falcons (0-0) @ Bears (0-0)
The "I Should Be More Interested In This Game But I'm Not" Bowl

Here are your #1 and 2 seeds from the NFC playoffs last year, and really I could care less. I think it's because Roy Williams is on the Bears and I hate Roy Williams, but I'm gonna go with the road team. Falcons winners, Bears losers.

9) Vikings (0-0) @ Chargers (0-0)
The "Thank Goodness Brett Favre Isn't Involved In This Game" Bowl

Man, it is fucking nice to go into an NFL season and not have the shitty Brett Favre cloud hovering over us. Thank goodness for that shit.

Anyway, I see Philly Rivers having a huge year this year (and he better since he's on my fantasy team), and I don't see a world where the Vikings will be able to keep up with the points they put up. Then again, doesn't it seem like we say that every September and the Chargers always seem to come out the gate fucked up? Whatever, I'll give Philly and the game the benefit of the doubt this week, but all bets are off next week. Chargers winners, Vikings losers.

10) Panthers (0-0) @ Cardinals (0-0)
The "Pray To GOD We Made The Right Decision At QB" Bowl

The Cards paid Kevin Kolb an awful lot of coins to be good and be good now. If he's not, the only safety net they have left behind him is John Skelton and Richard Bartel, and I wouldn't exactly call that a safety net. More like an "anti-safety net," or even a "guaranteed failure net" if you will.

On the other hand, the Panthers need production out of Cam Newton immediately if they plan on winning more than 2 games. I think we can all agree Jimmy Clausen sucks (how Carolina let him keep the #2 jersey over Cam is still a mystery) and if he ever has to enter a game there's a 90% chance they're going to be fighting with Cincinnati for last place in the NFL.

So let's take a close look at this match-up: a rookie QB in his first meaningful NFL game on the road throwing passes to Old Man Steve Smith, or an average QB throwing passes to Larry Fitzgerald at home? I think I'll go with the latter. Cards winners, Panthers losers.

11) Giants (0-0) @ Redskins (0-0)
The "Who'll Win 3rd Place In The NFC East?" Bowl

Initially I had the Redskins topping the Giants in this game, and then news broke the other day that they named Rex Grossman their starting QB and I was forced to reconsider. Now while the Skins did look pretty good in the preseason, Rex Grossman is still Rex Grossman and I can't possibly pick him to win, even when going against the Giants' decimated defense. Giants winners, Redskins losers.

12) Titans (0-0) @ Jaguars (0-0)
The "Peyton Manning Is Hurt & We Still Have No Chance To Win The Division" Bowl

There's no way you can pick Luke McCown to win here, right? Maybe if the game was in Jacksonville, Texas (where he's from) and not Jacksonville, Florida, I'd give him a chance, but it's now. And I know it's not like the Titans are world beaters or anything, but really, it's Luke McCown. Titans winners, Jaguars losers.

13) Bills (0-0) @ Chiefs (0-0)
The "You Know Your Uniforms Sucks If You Make Your Throwbacks Your Regular Uniform" Bowl

Yeah, I know that bowl title has nothing to do with the Chiefs, but man, you know your uniforms blow ass when everyone agrees that you're much better off just wearing your throwbacks all 16 games. Hey New England, you're up next. Chiefs winners, Bills losers.

14) Seahawks (0-0) @ 49ers (0-0)
The Shitty QB Bowl

Tarvaris Jackson vs. Alex Smith, it's the QB battle that excites less people than a new song by Shyne. 49ers winners, Seahawks losers.

15) Bengals (0-0) @ Browns (0-0)
The "How Much Worse Can Andy Dalton Be Than Carson Palmer Last Year?" Bowl

Bill Simmons brought this up on his podcast with Cousin Sal the other day, and I know the Bengals are gonna suck this year, but how much worse will they be with Andy Dalton than they were with Carson Palmer last year? At the very least, they've flat lined, but I don't see why Dalton can progress as the season goes along.

And as for the Browns, why do I have a feeling Peyton Hillis will suffer the Madden curse sooner than later? Browns winners, Bengals losers.

16) Raiders (0-0) @ Broncos (0-0)
The "Really ESPN, I'm Supposed To Stay Up Late To Watch This Game?" Bowl

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Raiders winners, Broncos losers.